Post Tramatic stress-

It is with a heavy heart that I find myself-Leda is very sick,throwing up-even water-I had her X-rayed this afternoon and her stomach is clear- there is something in the intestines but dont know if that is causing the throwing up.I am a wreck.I used to handle emergency's really well.I was the calm,quiet one..Now I FREEEEAAAAKKK.And then I dont know who I am.jesus fuck- new jersy language.
All since that day.
It was a stressful one because I had laid awake all night wondering about the lost guy then Obie got skunked immediately in his nose...then I find out he is a member of El Dorado County Search team and they are all there-Pressure-
it wasnt until after I found him- and we were there on that mountain alone- him,Obie and I and his life was ebbing out of him and there was nothing-absolutly nothing that I could do but sit there with him, throw obie his bal for a job well done and scream- at the top of my lungs- for a fucking bird- a helicopter- I screamed until I was horse- and when they had taken him, I walked out at Oberons side-I have never felt so useless,so desperate-it is like it is painted on the inside of my eye lids- and now it haunts me- and I feel alone and afraid and I want Leda to be ok- and Sara to be ok-

YESTERDAYS

I was standing in about 3' of smashed down blackberries when I heard it rattle and felt the impact aginst my left leg.I had started wearing tall boots two days before in case...The day before I had falled in the bushes and had a hell of a time getting myself up without a hundred puncture holes..
But yesterday things looked different.I was standing there looking at all the blackberries that the goats have cleared and the stuff left to do.I realized that if that snake had got me,I would of been fucked.There is no one here-no one who has eatten off of me to pick up the carnage.My parents who fucked up my child hood, stold my children,abandoned me in my adult hood.They were life fuckin vultures,circling around me,keeping me in a horrid marriage for fear if I left they would again take my children.Parents who did nothing to teach me about birth control but took my kids when they were babies, forever harming the bond between us.Fuckers.Then there were the men... the older ones who were content to fuck this young girl but had no desire for a real relationship.I was a good fuck.Gene, who was a child molestor and never came home from work-because there were porno stores between work and his pregante wife....And Colin- dear old fucking colin.If my parents had not been circling me, I would of left the first time he backhanded me in the mouth.But they would take those kids in a minute.At 14,myfather had anew wife,new kids.Mom brought home Galen- newly parolled from San Quinten for 1st degree murder... wasnt safe for me there ! So golden gate became my home.Then Kevon- oh he was cute, offered me safety- but didnt want a relationship with me.I was a good fuck in between his women who were of the better age.
Peter- ah my savior from Colin- didnt care what impact he had on my life- he wanted a passionate lover so he could wash the taste of his last one out of his mouth.God I loved him.or how I felt with him.
I stood yesterday in the clearing of black berrieds and realized there was no one.Not one mother fucker gave a shit about my life.
I fight like hell for a place to live.Colin has ten acres with a four bedroom house..vultures.all of them. they left nothing and took it all.Bastards.
yesterday I was bit by the snake that healed me.I stood in that clearing and realized I owe them nothing.Not a fucking damn thing and today is a new day.
so while all of these main players in my life go back and forth between their secondhouses,I have fought tooth and nail for what I have.Today I have my self respect back and less for them.Today I will get up and not worry-Welcome back Song-dont ever go looking for family again.its far to expensive.

autum is so rich

oaks trees loosing leaves
leave me yearing
for a splinter of my own
to poke and probe
my inner self.

little thoughts

you taught me to lie
by rejecting
my truth
so i cut my own heart out
to save you
the time

changed

The night Sara called and said she had cancer in both breast, my life changed.Everything- like a dusting of snow,settled in my heart-heavy,smoothering-

momma

people say that she will get sick of us and shake us off.Burn us up,starve us out of existence.I don't think so.I did at one time though.But I have looked a little closer- at moms.All kinds.Horses,cows,squirrels,dogs,cats,birds,goats,pigs,rats,mice, all frigging sorts of moms and if there is one thing they have in common its that they don't destroy their kids.Its the other way around.The kids take,feed me,more- and if the kids are smart, they realize what a incredible resource they have and they honor and nourish her so that she will be healthy to give to them.If the kids are dumb,they take and take,they have no limits to the amount they will take and she dies,she shakes from the grief,she burns with anguish,she dries up from sadness.
This is what I think now.

I saw him today-

I saw his face, it was the face I loved and I knew--------------------
oh hell, I didnt know anything,I forgot what I even went to the store for ! I love that man still and wish I could learn to love another.We had a nice visit.