Post Tramatic stress-

It is with a heavy heart that I find myself-Leda is very sick,throwing up-even water-I had her X-rayed this afternoon and her stomach is clear- there is something in the intestines but dont know if that is causing the throwing up.I am a wreck.I used to handle emergency's really well.I was the calm,quiet one..Now I FREEEEAAAAKKK.And then I dont know who I am.jesus fuck- new jersy language.
All since that day.
It was a stressful one because I had laid awake all night wondering about the lost guy then Obie got skunked immediately in his nose...then I find out he is a member of El Dorado County Search team and they are all there-Pressure-
it wasnt until after I found him- and we were there on that mountain alone- him,Obie and I and his life was ebbing out of him and there was nothing-absolutly nothing that I could do but sit there with him, throw obie his bal for a job well done and scream- at the top of my lungs- for a fucking bird- a helicopter- I screamed until I was horse- and when they had taken him, I walked out at Oberons side-I have never felt so useless,so desperate-it is like it is painted on the inside of my eye lids- and now it haunts me- and I feel alone and afraid and I want Leda to be ok- and Sara to be ok-

YESTERDAYS

I was standing in about 3' of smashed down blackberries when I heard it rattle and felt the impact aginst my left leg.I had started wearing tall boots two days before in case...The day before I had falled in the bushes and had a hell of a time getting myself up without a hundred puncture holes..
But yesterday things looked different.I was standing there looking at all the blackberries that the goats have cleared and the stuff left to do.I realized that if that snake had got me,I would of been fucked.There is no one here-no one who has eatten off of me to pick up the carnage.My parents who fucked up my child hood, stold my children,abandoned me in my adult hood.They were life fuckin vultures,circling around me,keeping me in a horrid marriage for fear if I left they would again take my children.Parents who did nothing to teach me about birth control but took my kids when they were babies, forever harming the bond between us.Fuckers.Then there were the men... the older ones who were content to fuck this young girl but had no desire for a real relationship.I was a good fuck.Gene, who was a child molestor and never came home from work-because there were porno stores between work and his pregante wife....And Colin- dear old fucking colin.If my parents had not been circling me, I would of left the first time he backhanded me in the mouth.But they would take those kids in a minute.At 14,myfather had anew wife,new kids.Mom brought home Galen- newly parolled from San Quinten for 1st degree murder... wasnt safe for me there ! So golden gate became my home.Then Kevon- oh he was cute, offered me safety- but didnt want a relationship with me.I was a good fuck in between his women who were of the better age.
Peter- ah my savior from Colin- didnt care what impact he had on my life- he wanted a passionate lover so he could wash the taste of his last one out of his mouth.God I loved him.or how I felt with him.
I stood yesterday in the clearing of black berrieds and realized there was no one.Not one mother fucker gave a shit about my life.
I fight like hell for a place to live.Colin has ten acres with a four bedroom house..vultures.all of them. they left nothing and took it all.Bastards.
yesterday I was bit by the snake that healed me.I stood in that clearing and realized I owe them nothing.Not a fucking damn thing and today is a new day.
so while all of these main players in my life go back and forth between their secondhouses,I have fought tooth and nail for what I have.Today I have my self respect back and less for them.Today I will get up and not worry-Welcome back Song-dont ever go looking for family again.its far to expensive.

autum is so rich

oaks trees loosing leaves
leave me yearing
for a splinter of my own
to poke and probe
my inner self.

little thoughts

you taught me to lie
by rejecting
my truth
so i cut my own heart out
to save you
the time

changed

The night Sara called and said she had cancer in both breast, my life changed.Everything- like a dusting of snow,settled in my heart-heavy,smoothering-

momma

people say that she will get sick of us and shake us off.Burn us up,starve us out of existence.I don't think so.I did at one time though.But I have looked a little closer- at moms.All kinds.Horses,cows,squirrels,dogs,cats,birds,goats,pigs,rats,mice, all frigging sorts of moms and if there is one thing they have in common its that they don't destroy their kids.Its the other way around.The kids take,feed me,more- and if the kids are smart, they realize what a incredible resource they have and they honor and nourish her so that she will be healthy to give to them.If the kids are dumb,they take and take,they have no limits to the amount they will take and she dies,she shakes from the grief,she burns with anguish,she dries up from sadness.
This is what I think now.

I saw him today-

I saw his face, it was the face I loved and I knew--------------------
oh hell, I didnt know anything,I forgot what I even went to the store for ! I love that man still and wish I could learn to love another.We had a nice visit.

chicken pot pie

There have been walks,rattlesnakes,puppy fur,flowers from the grave,midnight sweats,bouts of fear,emotions of joy,water.lots of it but more is always needed in my life.Visits with sisters and their grown kids from Tenn.Love lubricated the visit.goats are all I dreamed.They are sensative,hard as a rock,generous,humor filled and I love them so.Their names are- lead doe- Jumper and her side kick is a yearling wether names York.These are the two true tractors of the heard.Then there is Asia,a yearling who is wild and my milking doe.She comes to be milked, has never even lifted her feet when being milked,but wont let me touch her otherwise.She has a kid who is doe,about fiv emonths old.Asia was bred early and is small.Her kid,kuitar also a bit wild is beautiful and fair and looks like a baby deer still.Then a small wether who came named cookie doe but he isnt so Josiah just named him Van go as his horns are tweeked from human.He is a fainting goat.Those five came together.Cookie(now van) was gettingn the hell booted out of him so I went and got him a doe to live with.He is really happy.I am falling asleep.I willl be back

I heard you cry

when the news arrived

about your friend.

He was all smiles

in every photo

and we remember him fondly.

ouch

growing pains when talking to colin......

oceans of tears cried

Since I have checked in I have been to Texas to be with Sara and grandchildren.I had so much fun with the kids and they were sad to see me go.The night before I left, I wrote small notes on about twenty pieces of paper and hid them everywhere in the house.Some to a certain person,others just saying,I love you.The kids started finding them immediately and tonight when I was on the phone with Sara,she moved the bear on her table and there it was... I love you.I wrote on their eggs.. on the bananas.I put a note in the sugar jar, in the drawer where the tooth paste goes... silly places.I am silly.
They took Sara's breast.All double DD.I can not, do not have the words to express my feelings.It will work to say my daughter is more brave then I could of ever be.When I got there she was already home and in bed,I held her and slept beside her for five days while her husband slept in the guest room.We talked at night,or I rubbed her head.We cried.We cry still.I have not said this to her but I am scared to death,scared to a place I have never known, scared like scared raw.That the results from pathology test... could be bad.The lymph node...See them clear I say.See them clear.It keeps the panic at bay,washes the panic out of my mouth.See them clear.She has suffered so much in her life with this body(see them clear) I gave her... Fuck.See them clear.

Diary of a crazy woman who found her sanity

it feels like that anyway.As life's tragedy's hit me, I feel calmer and calmer.(my ee isnt working right..).I have either become numb or I am just surfing real well.I cant talk about Oberon yet except to say that he was such a good friend, the loss is huge and all effecting.
I have been learning things about my self at a excellerated rate...wow.Figuring out why I called Colin in- What we did together and what I needed to learn.Learning that looking backwards is good for seeing how far one has come but not for much else.I am so grateful for this time alone.I long for a lover more now and ... then I dont.I never had safe time alone as a young girl or woman so this time of loving /living with myself for 8 plus years has been so so gooood for me.I could say I would of been a much better mom,wife,person had I of done this first instead of having children so early but that is silly since that time it has come and gone.
I look at Peter in my heart and am sorry I didnt know how to handle it better.He like Kevon holds a very special place in my heart.I think he was a real lover in terms of it was just us... no kids, no parents- adults loving, lots of great sex.
Enjoying my land and Razzle.My girl Leda is blind- competely in her right eye since birth... holy hell... I have had her for a year and a half and I never realized.It was a fluke we found it.Noone who knows her can believe it.She shows nothing... amazing.Razzle has moved into Oberons place in the house.He is a little guy. 34 lbs compared to Oberons 83... He is a frigging kook and wakes up grateful to be alive .I am lucky to have him.
My garden, like my heart is blooming,giving birth to new possibilities.

ten days

its been ten days and I still cant talk.I stick my face in his blanklet.I cant wash it yet.arg it hurts so damn deep.i mean way down,way down deep.

learning about my self

"mistake" is what I called a experience I didnt like............. but its all good even in its horridness.Its all a weird trip and nothing is really real.its all in our heads.Except what we make solid-give breath to-create for the drama of our own lives.

eco systems

its a whole eco system of emotions
there are different colors,species of grief
the terrain of the joy can turn
to empty lonesome deserts
in the time it takes for the winds of
panic to give way to calm.
Midnight calming sessions
become regular learning time.
I am looking for the gift I know
comes along with all this grief.
Oberon is almost done but i feel panic
inside and what ifs and second guessing myself
over and over and the place i had
so clearly marked out has come and gone.
I am not nearly as brave as I had previously thought
or.. its just a line i say for who knows why.................................

a few hours later..

oh what a few hours can do to change ones life... after writing the last entry,I got a horrid call from Sara telling me she has cancer in both her breast and they will be taking them both.I can not even begin to tell the fear that is eating away at me at this time.The midnight panic is awful and I have to find a way to get to Sara.I desperately need someone to stay here with the boys while I fly to Texas.Someone please help me I beg. If I could just go for four days... Just to hold her.Please universe I beg you to be kind to me in this manner.
I cant sleep and the panic is building in me until I just sob uncontrolably.I am so scared and so far from her.Please universe, I am alone, done ask more then I can do.

Oh.. learning to listen

My back is telling me loudly today that I did too much yesterday in terms of lifting.My night sweat last night was saying I am going to bleed any time now and my grumpiness is transparent.I feel pushed against the wall with my neighbors and I know if I was a man or had one living here, what is going on would not be and I am offended by the reality of that.
I feel bullied AGAIN and I search it, like looking for a lost child,nothing is left uncovered.I look for that child inside me who was and felt unprotected,like i had to fend for myself and then was punished for standing up for myself.I have to get this lesson so I can stop the repetition of it in my life.
There is alot of pain in my right side and the fear it brings is intense.I know nothing is different today from yesterday except my whoremones(lol) so I am gong to just relax- read.
I saw a blue heron up in the very top of a oak and it was very beautiful against the sky.I hold that to my heart today.
I love my life and the fact that I have learned to embrace it and not struggle so much and know I am in touch/step with the universe.

I wonder

if there is any chance I was adopted...

OK

... WHAT IF.
HE WASN'T MY SOUL MATE AND WE DIDN'T JUST FUCK UP.WHAT IF WE WERE ONLY TO RAISE THE KIDS TOGETHER AND THEN GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS. WHAT IF THE UNIVERSE IN ALL ITS GLORY AND PAIN IS IN PERFECT STEP ? WHAT THE FUCK IF ITS TRUE?
WHAT IF THE HELL PEOPLE GO THROUGH-EARTHQUAKES,DISEASES, FIRES, ACCIDENTS ARE IN THE UNSCRIPTED PLAN OF SOMETHING-SOMEONE- WHO KNOWS I JUST KNOW THAT IT SURE GIVES ME A LOT OF ROOM... A QUESTION FOR THE READER;
WHAT WOULD/COULD BE THE RAMIFICATIONS OF SLEEPING WITH MY SONS FRIEND WHO IS OLDER THEN HIM AND YOUNGER THEN ME? I MEAN IT JUST COULD BE FUN.. . IF THE SEX IS GOOD.I WOULD RATHER HAVE NONE THEN BAD. BY FAR.HE IS YOUNG WITH A GOOD SX DRIVE WHICH IS ATTRACTIVE IN ITS SELF........... ANY THOUGHTS? HUM...