mixed emotions

Lots of them.I went to the docs today about my spine and my lumbar 5 and sacrum 1 disk is gone.Blown out.WWWAAAAAAAAAA I want to crawl up in someones lap and cry.Isnt that a nnew feeling I ask and am then distracted by the injury fact.lol.... Imagine crawling in someones lap as if that would change a damn thing...Funny how we..maybe just me... seek comfort outside of ourselves...
But yes, this is a serious injury and its changed my life.
ok.. other thing on my mind today... this idea of intimacy... and married men and casual sex and how there is this rampant reasoning that in order to have good sex one must have intimacy... or that casual sex cant be intimate...what a silly joke.I am intimate with my dogs,my favorite places of comfort,but I am not sexual with these things.critters.. so I for one what to bomb this stupid thought process.I felt intimate with my pollywog's.I cared deeply about them.What a weird world we swim through huh?
L5/S1.... hum... gotta see that healed.

a phoenix rose today

I had finished tracking Bead Woman and had put her away,let the boys out and was just getting into my car when it rose.A huge black bird with red wing tips.It was bigger then a hawk,or a turkey vulture(peace eagle).It came out from the earth directly from the end of the track we had run and as I jumped from my car, it disappeared.completely.
A hour earlier Peter had told me Bella was gone.Bella taught me to track.She taught me more about scent then anyone I know.I honor her today.She was one of my best friends.

midnight view

its 3 am and I am awake due to pain in my hip... There are not many things in my life I wish I could do over...but lifting that hutch is certainly one of them....This has been the worst injury of my life and I sense that it is going to be with me for a long time.Forever according to Itamar.What a sentence.. forever.After being married forever...I have learned forever isnt nearly as long as I had originally thought...lol...

spring has sprung

in my soul, its spring and things are blooming like nuts. there is so much yummy stuff happening in my life I just feel full.I am in love

roses,iris,bachelor's buttons,sweet williams,violets,honeysuckle,jasmine,clematis all blooming.Makes me crazy. bathing under huge blooming jasmine I feel drunk.

Married men.... and women

it is such a common joke that once married, men dont get laid..It is mentioned without anyone even being nervous or uncomfortable.Its old news.I wonder why this is acceptable to them or the women in these sexless marriages.Why it is the first thing to go south when trouble rears its ugly head, why people think their mates must be "loyal to them" instead of being loyal to themselves.There seems to be some gross reward system for not getting what you want/need so you can appear to be loyal,committed.I think you should be committed if you stay...but in a heath facility,not the marriage.
I like married men because they like fun sex.They love as everyone does, being adored,cooed over, lusted over.devoured.I love doing it.Its fun.I like it when its done back and I am not in anyway attached to it becoming a relationship.I dont ever again in this life time want to get "used to someone" or have anyone "used to me".That to me is worth yelling FIRE and running for your life... sex and all...
Meanwhile, I have having the time of my life.I am really happy with my land and how it is feeling,looking.The dogs are well.I am poor but clients are calling so I know it will be ok.I love where I am in my life, feel very grateful for this time alone and what I have learned.
Our hike to spencneville on Friday was incredible.Cata,Veronique,Rachael and I... climbed the highest mountain and had a picnic,laid in the sun naked with a 360 view...We were drunk in love.
Thank you so much for sticking with me body.I love you.

morning glories and STD's..

When I offered Lorraine some morning glory babies....she shuttered... I said she looked like I had offered her the clap... She said no, the clap... she could get rid of that with a shot in the ass... Morning glories were more like herpes....
I think to my self... if that was all she who planted these left behind.... I got off easy....

Friends

honeysuckle,jasmine,forsithia too
climbing rose,trumpet vine,
planted for you.
Hollyhock,sage,
iris galore
rosemary,thyme
alyssum and more.
my garden delights me in so many ways,.