Oh boy....

My momma is back to smoking even though she is on Oxygen.I heard my dad talking to my god father last week and he said he had cancer.When I aksed him "WHAT DID YU SAY"??? He told me - nothing-nothing... I knew instantly he didnt want me to know.Respecting his privacy, I didnt ask again but now the knowledge of it is sitting in my stomach,my heart.
Oberons right leg which is not the one with the tummor is almost useless.It drags, goes under his left.He has fallen down the stairs several times and its breaking my heart.His heart is stronger then ever however.
I feel losses coming at me full speed and I can no longer set myself against the coming crash.
I hope I am stronger then I feel.

learning to be human

I realize I am so much better at being human since my split with rowan.I have learned to lie.For years I told my truths.People hated me for it. It was too raw,to painful, to much.I lost friends right and left.
Now I have noticed when I dont tell the truth, people stick around alot longer.This cracks me up.They call, ask how I am and I graciously tell them what they want to hear and then they call back.My family, or what is left of it is really good at it.

CHEMICALS

when I see his name in my "in box"
or when I see that other guys car on the road...
I get this chemical reaction inside my body.
It sometimes comes fast, sometimes slow.
It's like something in my blood
surging with each beat of my heart.
After all these years... I'm impressed.



My friends are dying and its hard.I have a client who became a friend.. she is now 37.Breast cancer..... at 35. I pray she goes tonight and she suffer no more nor her husband and two small children.... If there is that god she holds so dearly too... Now would be a great time to show up and do something great... heal her, take her..but just let the suffering end.Her husbands letter was so desperate, so painful.So fucking honest.She is past talking now,past being awake much.Yellow.everywhere.If she were a dog,a cat, a horse, we would lovingly,gently let her go with a shot and her family there.Instead she must suffer and it is so so sad.If that ever happens to me, somebody, anybody, smmmmooother me...Sit on my face like I have asked several of you anyway.... Today I have been sad and felt so useless.helpless.I went to spenceville and a big red tail flew over me low in circles lending me insight,gently reminding me I cant fix EVERYTHING!!

blue heron left
painted shadow
across open meadow
where i roamed.
and the words
dripped
like melting ice
in the chambers
of my heart.
the wind from her wing
set me free
and left me floating
in the under current-
like love with a studder
tossing and turning in the
ever changing weather of life

spenceville

I followed the yellow brick road
to the land of my lover
walked hand and land
rounded bends,crossed creeks
breathed deep the moist air
laying low in the drainages.

got drunk on beauty
giggled at water rippling
back at me.

placenta detachment

i call each day or two
grateful,obedient.
despite the pain
that surges through
my heart channels
as if they were on fire
often when we talk..
reminded daily of childbirth
34 years later
i show respect to you
my mother.
i peel the emotional placenta
back gently as if a skin
whisper thin
so as not to rip-
or cause bleeding.
we alone
stand together.