Oberon

Waiting for the lab work to come back.He doesn't want to put any weigh on it today and I think I am going to suffocate.I can hardly breathe today and the taste of panic coats my mouth.
I cant think straight and am fighting for calm.
I caught the July rattle snake in the yard on Sat night.That helped as I was a nervous wreck about the "coming july meeting".She is big,11 rattles.She wasnt happy about being caught but not as combative as the one last July.I have to go let her go this morning and will place her near a nice creek at Spenceville.
Oddly enough Bodie showed up here last night.He is working on a film about a woman medicine horse.I love to hear him sing and wonder why the universe brought him here.He wants to come walk and see the grindingholes and such.I have become so much more picky about who goes over there now.The chief of local tribe is no longer welcome here on this land and I am grateful to the spirits for clearing my heart about my responsibility about the place.I realize that it wasnt my place to make them want to come back and love their ancestors home.I only had to offer it.That feels so good to be clear about.
The twins will be here in 11 days.I am very excited to spend eight days with them.I think we will spend time with alot of water.
I ask the universe to not take Oberon now. I have to go get things cut off my back and I find it amazing that I am following him on this medical trail.I have always followed Oberon.I cant imagine my life without Oberon right now.
I need to pay attention.

OBERON- MY FRIEND

In fifty one years I have met a lot of souls.I have not in my life experienced one like Oberon.I feel him wraped around my heart like a life force.I have followed him and he has led.I am honored.He trust me and reminds me daily I am worth his love.We dont lie to each other.We wake up everyday honoring one another in our lives.We stretch and I rub his belly when he rolls to his back.We discuss the day and together we start it.We are considerate of one another and respect each others strenghts, weaknesses.we are in love,we are about love.The love and respect we feel for each other is evident to everyone who sees us together.He is the one spirit in my life experience I have never lost respect for.No matter if he is in the truck or not, I feel him always with me.He has taught me about love, honestly,committment.I am forever grateful to him.
We went to see Tim today.First Tim poked it and looked at cells under scope.. red cells and a few weird ones.So they X-ray and of course Oberon isnt interested in laying still so we knock him out and do X-ray which shows what ever "it" is... has a good grip on his bone.So Tim carries him to other table and I comfort him while tim numbs lump and begins to cut.It is too attached to bone to remove so we get a small piece and send it off to lab.I hope we know by Sat.Oberon woke up and said lets go home so now he has a YELLOW(omg) bandage and is sound asleep.He was happy when he woke up and wanted to jump in truck...no way old man.
I have made the decision if it is as Tim thinks a cancer of some form... I will not cut his leg off to "save him" or give him more time.I can not widdle down my friend.But I beg the universe from the guts of my soul, please dont ask me to kill him.Anything else,I beg.

FROGGIES... MY room mates

I luv em... They escorted me from my bathroom to the porch last night and I had to just sit and watch them do their lives.So good at being frogs.
A new one in my bathroom sink appeared yesterday.I went to brush my teeth last night and he stuck his face out from the little hole.I put a spider in his sink, he gobbled it up and I couldn't keep from feeling such strong emotions.I so love the simple way of frogs.I have a lot to learn from them.

Rehab

Ah such a word.
REHAB.I am working with a dog who has had too much pressure on him and he wont track.He lays down, shuts down.Handler gets mad, shuts down,wont train dog.Circles.Everything circles.I take dog yesterday and play with him.I mean really get on ground,wet, dirty play with him.I set standards of how I will play and he willingly works within my boundaries.I tracked him.He did beautiful.Better then beautiful.He was stopping so fast on articles that his ass just about came over his head.He was so happy to be working WITH me he was willing to do anything.Handler didnt leave when I very sternly tell him to FUCK OFF when he even thinks about approaching dog...so I think ok, he is ready for the truth...This morning handler gets out happy.Dog sees me and is instantly ready to work/play.Dog tracks BEAUTIFUL today, on track, downs on all articles,kisses me(we made out on the track its true) and leave track when finished wanting to do more.Now THAT is what I am talking about!! My heart flies with eagles when I get it right with the dogs and they respond perfectly confirming my guts. I can so love dogs... wish I could get it to transfer to humans... Dogs dont lie.That is so where I get hung up....
Twins will be here in a month and I am so excited.They will b e flying out so they can spend 8 days here.We are going to the high country,going to rent Kayaks one day... and river, eat, smoke, laugh.I am so excite to see them.Eight whole days!! Sad Rowan wont be here but that is her choice.
Laurie is going to come stay with dogs while we go to hot springs and such.YES!!
OK,Lance here and we are working on black berries today.Been canning/freezing like nuts. So much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plums off of my own treesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

WOMEN IN BLACK -INSIDE ME

I thought of them as I drove in and saw the farmers over in the grinding hole area.I wished them inside me to calm my hurt,my frustration.

I packed my pipe and went over to the rock to sit and think of the women in black and how they stand quietly.silent yet in full protest..

So I crawled up on the rock and sat.I looked over at them and they saw me there and stopped to talk to each other.

I tried as Laurie said to feel compassion for them.The young mexican woman is lovely and I imagine there is some pain in what she is doing because she knows.She is native to Mexico.It is in her blood.

But the tractor drivers are hard to have compassion for.I told them about the site.I explained the sacredness of it.

Summer Solstice is here.

With that, its gone and the nights are longer and the days are shorter.I personally have been kind of kateewompus since Jan with not doing my regular stuff due to back injury.It is a interesting time for me.I drove today for three hours and oh my goodness, my back hurts tonight.This is all new to me and I am trying...no doing my best to not let it completely overwhelm me.I am a do it my self kind of girl and that mostly works really well for me.Now however, I am meeting a new kind of girl inside me.. she take two trips to car instead of one, she moves gently instead of so bouncy.She is very aware she even has a back now... lol..She is me and I embrace me kindly.
Been exchanging e-mails with life room mate and I swear its kind of like insanity.. doing the same and expecting different results... I am sure he feels the same about me.But we are making headway.At each intersection in our communication I have to remember I have a choice how I go forward,how I respond.Its good and keeps me really present.I think we very easily get into this weird competition of who feels the worse from the others actions... Time to grow up.Choose different way.
CHOICE- write it on a piece of paper and hold upside down to a mirror... the only english word you cant change in a mirror..That is how important CHOICE IS.We give it away so often...

rock in my soul

it has been weeks since I have learned I come not from the natives as I had previously thought... I had always thought I had been a Indian at sometime in my life.I have always been drawn to their lives, their belief systems about the sacredness of the earth.I come from the rocks.Which is why I always live around so many of them.Why I am drawn to them.
When my father came two years ago,we spoke about his father, I should of known that there was something up....My grandfather was a stone mason.My father always worked in rock.I come from the rocks.That is why I pick them up, carry them around,have them in my trucks, window sills...Longing for connection to my family.
That is why I am hard, why it is difficult for me to beat around the bush as they say.When i say something, it is like a rock through water. straight to the bottom.Not comfortable to fall against.. I am a rock, I am a island..and a rock feels no pain. and a island never cries....
I am a stoner.