changed

The night Sara called and said she had cancer in both breast, my life changed.Everything- like a dusting of snow,settled in my heart-heavy,smoothering-

momma

people say that she will get sick of us and shake us off.Burn us up,starve us out of existence.I don't think so.I did at one time though.But I have looked a little closer- at moms.All kinds.Horses,cows,squirrels,dogs,cats,birds,goats,pigs,rats,mice, all frigging sorts of moms and if there is one thing they have in common its that they don't destroy their kids.Its the other way around.The kids take,feed me,more- and if the kids are smart, they realize what a incredible resource they have and they honor and nourish her so that she will be healthy to give to them.If the kids are dumb,they take and take,they have no limits to the amount they will take and she dies,she shakes from the grief,she burns with anguish,she dries up from sadness.
This is what I think now.

I saw him today-

I saw his face, it was the face I loved and I knew--------------------
oh hell, I didnt know anything,I forgot what I even went to the store for ! I love that man still and wish I could learn to love another.We had a nice visit.

chicken pot pie

There have been walks,rattlesnakes,puppy fur,flowers from the grave,midnight sweats,bouts of fear,emotions of joy,water.lots of it but more is always needed in my life.Visits with sisters and their grown kids from Tenn.Love lubricated the visit.goats are all I dreamed.They are sensative,hard as a rock,generous,humor filled and I love them so.Their names are- lead doe- Jumper and her side kick is a yearling wether names York.These are the two true tractors of the heard.Then there is Asia,a yearling who is wild and my milking doe.She comes to be milked, has never even lifted her feet when being milked,but wont let me touch her otherwise.She has a kid who is doe,about fiv emonths old.Asia was bred early and is small.Her kid,kuitar also a bit wild is beautiful and fair and looks like a baby deer still.Then a small wether who came named cookie doe but he isnt so Josiah just named him Van go as his horns are tweeked from human.He is a fainting goat.Those five came together.Cookie(now van) was gettingn the hell booted out of him so I went and got him a doe to live with.He is really happy.I am falling asleep.I willl be back

I heard you cry

when the news arrived

about your friend.

He was all smiles

in every photo

and we remember him fondly.

ouch

growing pains when talking to colin......

oceans of tears cried

Since I have checked in I have been to Texas to be with Sara and grandchildren.I had so much fun with the kids and they were sad to see me go.The night before I left, I wrote small notes on about twenty pieces of paper and hid them everywhere in the house.Some to a certain person,others just saying,I love you.The kids started finding them immediately and tonight when I was on the phone with Sara,she moved the bear on her table and there it was... I love you.I wrote on their eggs.. on the bananas.I put a note in the sugar jar, in the drawer where the tooth paste goes... silly places.I am silly.
They took Sara's breast.All double DD.I can not, do not have the words to express my feelings.It will work to say my daughter is more brave then I could of ever be.When I got there she was already home and in bed,I held her and slept beside her for five days while her husband slept in the guest room.We talked at night,or I rubbed her head.We cried.We cry still.I have not said this to her but I am scared to death,scared to a place I have never known, scared like scared raw.That the results from pathology test... could be bad.The lymph node...See them clear I say.See them clear.It keeps the panic at bay,washes the panic out of my mouth.See them clear.She has suffered so much in her life with this body(see them clear) I gave her... Fuck.See them clear.