Diary of a crazy woman who found her sanity

it feels like that anyway.As life's tragedy's hit me, I feel calmer and calmer.(my ee isnt working right..).I have either become numb or I am just surfing real well.I cant talk about Oberon yet except to say that he was such a good friend, the loss is huge and all effecting.
I have been learning things about my self at a excellerated rate...wow.Figuring out why I called Colin in- What we did together and what I needed to learn.Learning that looking backwards is good for seeing how far one has come but not for much else.I am so grateful for this time alone.I long for a lover more now and ... then I dont.I never had safe time alone as a young girl or woman so this time of loving /living with myself for 8 plus years has been so so gooood for me.I could say I would of been a much better mom,wife,person had I of done this first instead of having children so early but that is silly since that time it has come and gone.
I look at Peter in my heart and am sorry I didnt know how to handle it better.He like Kevon holds a very special place in my heart.I think he was a real lover in terms of it was just us... no kids, no parents- adults loving, lots of great sex.
Enjoying my land and Razzle.My girl Leda is blind- competely in her right eye since birth... holy hell... I have had her for a year and a half and I never realized.It was a fluke we found it.Noone who knows her can believe it.She shows nothing... amazing.Razzle has moved into Oberons place in the house.He is a little guy. 34 lbs compared to Oberons 83... He is a frigging kook and wakes up grateful to be alive .I am lucky to have him.
My garden, like my heart is blooming,giving birth to new possibilities.

ten days

its been ten days and I still cant talk.I stick my face in his blanklet.I cant wash it yet.arg it hurts so damn deep.i mean way down,way down deep.

learning about my self

"mistake" is what I called a experience I didnt like............. but its all good even in its horridness.Its all a weird trip and nothing is really real.its all in our heads.Except what we make solid-give breath to-create for the drama of our own lives.

eco systems

its a whole eco system of emotions
there are different colors,species of grief
the terrain of the joy can turn
to empty lonesome deserts
in the time it takes for the winds of
panic to give way to calm.
Midnight calming sessions
become regular learning time.
I am looking for the gift I know
comes along with all this grief.
Oberon is almost done but i feel panic
inside and what ifs and second guessing myself
over and over and the place i had
so clearly marked out has come and gone.
I am not nearly as brave as I had previously thought
or.. its just a line i say for who knows why.................................