Thursday, December 31, 2009

A new View....

I have windows.Two double pane 3' x 5' ones that slide with screens.... EEEWWWW HHHA. AND to the right of the door going out, is a 2 1/2 x 3'.They are so pretty and the porch is completely closed in, insulated- even the floor! It is so sweet.The dogs space is so nice now and Razz's crate with fern on top is beauuutiful...............
I went to doc and they want to scope me down the throat and up the butt... E gads. Also the county called and approved my medical coverage so I am a very happy camper about that part...
Spent time at hospital today with Jim... Damn it hard to watch him die....
despite all of this, the windows, the new view, the blue moon trump it all and I am a happy girl.
52 is I hope less painful then 51 was..

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Death

..its all around us.Jack,Laurie's dad died this morning, 27 days before his 100 birthday.Jim was taken to the hospital this morning and I spent the evening there with him.He is dying. Its hard on the youngsters who love him.Bell is very upset and little Bit...I tell em its their turn to help us die as we helped them be born.
I see the specialist tomorrow but still cant do any test until the county clears... I dont ever want to be in the hospital.EVER. I told Bell that....... If this stomach thing goes south... I am not doing hospitals. I have had such a full life. I cant stand the thought of dying there.
I am Jim advocate until his daughter gets here on the fourth.I turn 52 on the 10.The Indians say we become adults at 52.....LOL.
Going to the bath to soak and pray for grace.

Sick?

I dont really like that word... I am feeling better emotionally then ever yet I am physically sick.My stomach/intestines have been bleeding for almost six months now and the pain is sometimes unbareable.Like now... ahhhh!!!!trying to get my medical to kick in so I can go have the test done... They say there is a three month back up for approval. e gads, I could be dead by then.
Rama is on his way out... His ALS is taking hold and he looks awful.Jim's lukemia has returned and on Friday we will have a meeting to make a schedule to who takes him to his appointments. Arlo is so thin...
As the guy said on WITH HONORS- Its amazing how different the view is coming in to going out..
Spending time with those I love and those who love me and realizing more each day how unimportant so much stuff is and how we take nothing with us.Being at at spenceville as much as possible as it lends me much comfort in my heart,soul. Know denial isnt working at this point.The pain is intense and being calm keeps the panic back some. I see the doctor on Thursday but cant schedule any test until after the mediacl approval.This now becomes more important as times goes by.My writing.I can feel my inside burning and its intense.It is comforting to know my children are all good without me although Mondy is in big crisis and Nakirye almost dying twice in six months has everyone freaked out. I ask the universe for calmness inside.blessed be

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Who is this really about..

This meeting with Colin hangs over my being like a low cloud and I ask myself again who this is really all about.Why I have this feeling of being dooped again.If I stand in my own integrity it sez this is none of my business. Who am I to think I should help this person who has been so mean,disrespectful to me.Do I REALLY think its going to make any diffference in how he feels, treats me and does it matter to me anymore?
If everything I have already done doesnt matter, why would anything I do now matter? Why do I struggle so often with the reality that some people are the way they are and change isnt a behavior they are intersted in looking at.If I work this problem the way I would work a trailing problem, then no,I cant meet with him.In trailing, each decision point is based on the last...If the dog comes through a intersection strong then I know we are on trail, if not,I have to look deeply at the last one....Our past is nothng to build a trail on and will lead me in the wrong dirrection... If he sez his life is none of my business, then why should this part be any of different and why do I keep falling in the same hole over and over? The only answer I find is that it isnt my business and I need to just shut up and stay back no matter what he wants.If I must live with the conquences of my life, my decisions, who am I to not allow him the same? This is how I got here.... by thinking I could "fix" things. We teach people how to treat us.. So WAKE UP SONG... BE RESPECTFUL TO YOURSELF.I feel clarity coming and that is good...what is hard is changing my behavior, response to him.Damn,I am getting this.. it is amazing how writing it down makes it different.Its taken me a very long time and so muchpain and having to be honest and it brings me to this... Its none of my business and I should not do anything about his problem which he wants to be my problem.I think after 28 years, I do love me more then him.I have been better to me, more reliable. Somethings I learn slow.... But I think I have it.. will carry this around today in the chambers of my heart and see how it feels.
Foxy frog momma, you are doing ok...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

looking forward beyond my past

"sometimes you got to look back to know where you are going",I said today to no one inparticular, while out walking in spenceville alone...that its a good thing I love life-otherwise it wouldnt be worth living.When I said that I was thinking of the whole thing.Not the beginning or end but the journey and with that came the end of the journey in this body and I think its a groovy thing.I love the composting and what its births.Dying to be reborn.
The relaxing into myself.I am becoming more and more human and its painful but I know if its not done this time,I might have to repeat this human form again. I am finally getting them,us,me.
As I said, its painful.
Going through the birth canal of a new process and am just breathing and keeping the brain relaxed.Remembering to loosen my toes, my fingers,to let the current carry me through.I float better if I dont struggle. I love my life in all of its complex and simple ways.I feel like I can finally own it in terms of being very comfortable in my skin, my sleep, my waking.
I rolled down a hill yesterday when I was at spenceville.Just layed down and rolled.It felt so good to be in the arms of my mother,my friend,my soul mate.I wondered if it looked funny to the hawks who were above me.Did they think it was a death roll? When it fact I just wanted to get her all over me,surround myself with the smell, the dirt,the grass in my hair.I wanted to dress like her.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

a turning inside

I have never been the kind of woman who shut people out.I might argue, get mad, but I just have never shut doors that couldn't be opened if desired.However, I find myself in this place now. A place that is not familiar to me but also not scary,intimidating to me. I find it is now time to shut the door behind me as I walk away from one I have loved dearly. I don't do this out of malice,contempt.I do this out of self respect.Something I have been short on in many aspects of my life. I feel clear about it.I feel it is the correct decision and it feels alright.I don't have any big charge, simply I feel full and must get up from the table.
Blessed be

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Oh boy....

My momma is back to smoking even though she is on Oxygen.I heard my dad talking to my god father last week and he said he had cancer.When I aksed him "WHAT DID YU SAY"??? He told me - nothing-nothing... I knew instantly he didnt want me to know.Respecting his privacy, I didnt ask again but now the knowledge of it is sitting in my stomach,my heart.
Oberons right leg which is not the one with the tummor is almost useless.It drags, goes under his left.He has fallen down the stairs several times and its breaking my heart.His heart is stronger then ever however.
I feel losses coming at me full speed and I can no longer set myself against the coming crash.
I hope I am stronger then I feel.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009