Thursday, February 25, 2010

When the future goes catyasswompus

My little sister recently lost her baby and she is still completely freaked out.I get it.She had plans.She had carefully planned these children,waiting until her 37th birthday. She had a girl and the boy was in the oven, on his way.Then life happened... or something.
I can relate. I was in this marriage that I wanted to work.I had my head down and was working and one day I looked up and realized I was all alone.I was still pulling but there wasnt anyone else there.He was gone- in his head,his heart.I tried more tricks then a pet crow to get him to love me, to appreciate me.Nothing worked. I was livid.I had plans.I had so fucked up with the choosing of the father of my kids...I thought I had done better with the grandfather.I had plans.The grandkids would come stay with grandma and grandpa,we would grow old and cute together.It was all layed out in my mind.And then life happened. or something. and I was catyasswompus and my inner compass was completely fucked up and I didnt know where I had been or where I was going.I was spinning and it was years before I got it stopped.Until I could right my craft,set a direction,have a plan again...
Life just happens..or something

Sunday, February 21, 2010

til death do we part.....

I spent a long time last night holding oberon who woke me up at 1:30 falling down. He was stumbling and peeing and couldnt focus.I jumped up, threw on clothes and slowly walked him outside where he tried to pee but fell over so I again supported him into the house where I called the 24 hr vets, took his temp and layed with him.I didnt want to take him to vets because first thing they do is take him from me and he was really disoriented so seperarting us would of made us both freak. I sat beside him for a couple of hours reading and petting his face while he slept.At four,I put him up on my waterbed because it was warm and crawled inbeside him.cradled him until six thirty then got up and fed others while he followed me with his eyes.
8 yrs ago when I was really sick and my family had all abandoned me, I ran a fever of 103 for 13 days and he NEVER lef tmy side except to pee,poop.If my breathing changed, he was right there looking me in the face, telling me he was there, holding my heart while I fought to not die.When it spiked to 104.8 he laid beside the bath tub while I shook for ten hours until it dropped.
I had a horrid childhood, full of fear and drunk parents.violence was our constant.He has been my savior, my jesus.Even when he isnt in the truck with me, he is there in spirit and often I turn looking for him because his presence is so strong.
He has been the family I didnt have, the safety every one desires.He is my partner, my bestest and as I sit here writing, he stumbles to me and kisses my face, licks my tears as they cascade down my face.He is the family,I never had.He is the one who stayed, who believed in me. I would trade all other relationships for this one with him.

til death do we part.....

I soent a long time last night holding oberon who woke me up at 1:30 falling down. He was stumbling and peeing and

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

walking with Cata

We love spenceville and spent a a couple of hours there this afternoon walking along roads,valley's and through alot of amazing oak forests.Took Razz along and he had a great day being without any other dog.
Cata is in such a horrid place.Rama is dying a horrible death and its just awful to watch.Why we cant be "put to sleep" as with our animals is so beyond me.Watching Jim die recently reminded me of how horrid it can be to have it happen to you or to watch someone you love die like that and be so helpless.
Rama has ALS. So he is choking..falling down,cant swallow.Its a sin if ever there was one to make him live through this.Humans are so cruel.So fucking raw and cruel.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

VALENTINES DAY

The day of love drew me
like a flame in the wind
to the banks of your creek
where the sound of waters
rushing over rock and moss
soothed my hungry heart.
Walking hand and land
through giant oaks,
their naked arms reaching '
out for my touch.
I wrapped my arms tight
around the girth of your being,
suck the heat that refected back the suns kiss.
Gifts of turtle shell
grace my walk.
feeling close
to my lover,
spenceville wildlife.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

thought provocating-

What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.-
Mignon Mc Laughlin


WOW... YES. WHO I AM- A WOMAN LIVING ALONE WITH MY DOGS- HAPPY, NICE LAND THAT I LOVE, A FEELING OF CALMNESS-A BIG SENSE OF COMPLETION AFTER BEING ABLE TO BE A SUCCESSFUL SAR K9 HANDLER- A POET- A WOMAN .A DOG TRAINER
WHAT IT COST ME: MY COMMUNITY,MY FAMILY,MY MARRIAGE,MY FALSE SENSE OF SAFETY,SECURITY.MY INSECURE THOUGHTS OF CAN I DO THIS ALONE??
WHAT DID I WANT? A LOVER FOR ME,A TRUE SENSE OF SELF,SAFETY, TO BE A K9 TRAINER, TO COME GO WITH NO PROBLEMS,TO SLEEP SOUNDLY.
WOW... THAT IS SUCH A INTENSE STATEMENT... THE TOP ONE. WOW

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Rolling thunder inside my being

Its rumbling and rolling and i feel it shifting things way down inside me. Waves from the movment cause flooding in my soul and areas of deep thinking are forming..I feel like rich dark chocolate with almonds.And strawberries. Stirrings- ripplings-cravings-desires-I feel the scorpio moon inside me,urging me on, teasing,taunting,acting like coyote, like morning love,hot baths under the sky.I feel life reinventing its self inside me.
I am now ready for you. I dont know who you are, I dont even know if you are a boy or a girl in terms of parts... but i am ready to introduce myself, expose myself,share myself.
Foxes bark and whistle to each other and i feel wild all over my skin.
There is this human around and he is so ready to be picked, enjoyed but i must and i repeat, I must hold my sit stay and not become involved simply because he has a cock and we all know what fun those are to play with...That is the only reason i am not a boy...I would play with mine all the time... all the time. I swear. I would never get anything done.