Friday, January 29, 2010

broken hearts, broken dreams

My little sister Beth lost her baby yesterday morning.He was 23 weeks in uterine and weighed 1.2 lbs and was 12 inches long. The prints of his feet are about a inch long and perfect.We were all so excited about this little boy coming into our lives.Our hearts are broken.I feel horrible for my little sister and her husband Jeremy.She had a infection and it caused her water to break. So they left the baby with her for a while and I think they made their peace with him.I went to SAC airport and picked up my step mom(her mom-same dad) and took her to the hospital where we visited with her and Penny, my 2 yr old niece.She was full of life and laughter and I was really glad she was there.Beth had a fever that spiked -103.4 early yesterday morning that caused them to hurry the labor.She seemed fine last night but then all of a sudden it went septic.Her temperature dropped to 94 and they put her in IC. I feel sad and scare for my sister.She was like my first baby.I was 12 when she was born and we shared a room immediately.Oh I cooed her.fed.bathe,changed her.I really loved her.They are going to keep her for a WEEK! I do not want her to die and it scares me that she could get a worse infection in there...

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

whew..

The dreams are coming at full speed and most of them include Colin. I realize that I have not healed after our divorce and now he haunts me in my dreams.In the last two months, my sleeping pattern has really changed and I have gone from only sleeping about 6 hours a night to a easy eight.I have NEVER SLEPT that much in my entire life.Sometimes ninc hours.Am I depressed or healing? With my smoke intake being very low I think that comes into play concernng my dreams.I either am dreaming more or just remembering them.But maybe its because I am now sleeping long enough to dream in the first place. eitherway, some of the dreams bring up a lot of crap... Stuff to work out in my day time waking.
My youger sisiter is on the verge of loosing her second child. She is now in hospital threatening to abort... I say if the baby is trying to be born, allow it.I think it sounded good at first but the reality is bad bad bad for her.It was so different with me but then I was 16 and she is almost forty so I guess she needs more help.For me it was always well you made your bed, now lay in it...Then they stole my children...
I got a letter from Colin last night telling me it wasnt his intentions to be mean to me... I wonder who is in charge of his intentions. Obviously not him.. That was why he was in my dreams.I went to bed upset by the letter.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

morning in spencville

in the bed of the creek
i bared my breast,
laid down my spirit
was taken by the current
swept down in perfect
time with the world around.
felt the touch of grass,twig
against my skin,
watched the sky melt by
with hawk above.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

dreams haunt me

feelings of bird like vulture
circling the white bleached bones of concrete
for ones still alive
buried under the bitter wine
made from grapes of wrath
where proverty is served up daily
in the sunshine.
waiting for someone
to listen closely
for cries mouthed with dust
and broken limbs
the people of haiti
weeping for the sound of their
loved ones buried to soon

Friday, January 15, 2010

Grief in Haiti

I feel the grief..
from across the land and over the water,My body feels the grief, the fear, the need for basic life support.. I ache inside.I cant be there as a rescuer but I feel their grief, their courage as they deploy their teams in efforts to save lives.
As I watch the images, I am overwhelmed...simply overwhelmed.I cant quit crying.The children...
I had wanted to get a new floor for the living room and my bedroom this year, But I will take my meger savings and send it to the redcross.While we are having ahard time here, its nothing compared to what those people are experencing..... nothing.I can have a rug for another year....

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My friend Jim

He passed into a different place yesterday early morning after being removed from life support.I had sat with him last week, he was barely there but I saw him know I was there as I washed his face, soaked the washcloth in red clover tea to wet his mouth that has been held open by his breathing tube and was dry. He looked me in the eyes as I offered it to him and sucked, nodded his head yes,yes,thank you.Then his eyes would get big,almost fixed and he would stare,a bit startled.I asked him if he could see them, the angles there for him and he looked at me and again,nodded. I washed his face,his neck again, more wet clover.I told him his daughter would be ok and he had panic momentarily.I sang to him and for him.I took my feathers in and some sage that had been slightly burned in for him to smell.As I held it up to his face, he closed his eyes and I could see him taking it in.
Tonight I feel really sad.Sad for him,sad for me and for all of the good times that will never be repeated......Rest easy Jim.We will be along soon.I love you.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The passing of another friend.

Jim died this morning and I feel sad.Really sad.Two and a half weeks ago we had gone out to look at this tractor I wanted to buy, then we went off with Michael to South Pine for lunch.We talked about the future gardens,how cute the little blue tractor was,and how perfect that it was a Ford which Jim had worked on for thirty years.
I realized that if all my friends were to die according to age, none of them will be here to help me die....But I would witness all of their passings.This made me depressed.
My belly is really painful and these antibiotics are wrecking me. kicking my ass.leaving me exhausted .. or the salmonella is... eitherway, I am tired and the dogs dont care.Leda wants to be worked,played with.. and I am just so tired.Slept 9 hours last night. WOW... tonight I wish there was two of me... One to do the chores,dogs and one to sleep and let this medicine do its work and my body heal... I am SO TIRED,WEAK... SKINNY...Yawnnnnnnnn

Monday, January 11, 2010

anti bi otics

These babies are kicking my ass. I feel whipped after taking one.Took the second one after my morning carrot juice and a steamed yam... yum.. woke up dizzy.How does one wake up dizzy? I felt like I was in a big swirl.Had dreamed I found two coyotes on the side of Oak Tree rd and I stopped to check on them, the female was whitish,pregnant and hurt it seemed...The male came and jumped on me when I was rubbing her belly.He started chin chewing on me, not really biting but showing the same kind of submissive behavior a pup would to a older adult.He was grey and silver.People had stropped when they saw me with them and I just remember yelling that he isnt biting me, he isnt biting me... I think they were freaked out when he jumped on my back and rolled me over, it wasnt like a alpha roll, it was a play and I just ended on my back with him on my chest.I never felt threatened. Woke up at 3:30, crawled to the refrig to take probiotics, then back to bed. went to sleep to sound of coyotes then had the dream.
My family, here with me. I feel comfort from them.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Salmanella

I have it... its better then cancer. I have been so happy since the dr called!!!!!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

saying goodbye to 51

today is the last day of me being 51 and I must say, even with my serious life long back injury,I am happier/calmer/more peaceful then ever in my life.
This last week I have been poked and probed and the some of the test results will be back this next week.I will deal with what ever is happening and look forward to being 52.I think Oberon and I came close to dying on Friday night and am just greatful for Razzle and his insistance in waking me up and his continuing to bark,jump on me until I actually got up.I think I pushed him away for a long while and he kept coming back... What a guy.Oberon had already peed in his bed and was pretty hard to get up.
Here is to the wizzard in us all.
On another note,today I got to give John,my trainer a wonderful gift- I had a friend paint his favorite dog's picture (recently deceased)on a big rock(47 lbs) and its just beautiful.His face softened and he put his arms around me and said it was one of his nicest presents he had ever gotten..It was my give away for my birthday.Last night I also made really yummy chicken pot pies and took them for the clubs lunch.Everyone loved them.They had- onions,garlic,celery,carrots,broc.corn,mushrooms,cream cheese and cashews in them. delicious.
blessed be.I am rich- and disposable.Its ok. with me anyhow!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Good friging grief..

Tonight I am in so much pain I should go to the ER room...But am so scared of that place.I am finding it really hard to eat at all.Nothing seems to make it better. I am offically freaked out.I am just going to be freaked out and be with that and try not to actually DO anything.Just be.but damn, I hurt bad.Took a two and a half hour nap.NEVER in my life have I done that.The pain had now moved from the center to the right side and I am just plain fucking sick. I made Debbie promise not to leave me at the hospital.I am terrified of that place.terrified . I went to bed last night in so much pain and so scared that I said to myself I have never been that scared. eegads. I ask for courage and a higher pain threashold.