Diary of a crazy woman who found her sanity

it feels like that anyway.As life's tragedy's hit me, I feel calmer and calmer.(my ee isnt working right..).I have either become numb or I am just surfing real well.I cant talk about Oberon yet except to say that he was such a good friend, the loss is huge and all effecting.
I have been learning things about my self at a excellerated rate...wow.Figuring out why I called Colin in- What we did together and what I needed to learn.Learning that looking backwards is good for seeing how far one has come but not for much else.I am so grateful for this time alone.I long for a lover more now and ... then I dont.I never had safe time alone as a young girl or woman so this time of loving /living with myself for 8 plus years has been so so gooood for me.I could say I would of been a much better mom,wife,person had I of done this first instead of having children so early but that is silly since that time it has come and gone.
I look at Peter in my heart and am sorry I didnt know how to handle it better.He like Kevon holds a very special place in my heart.I think he was a real lover in terms of it was just us... no kids, no parents- adults loving, lots of great sex.
Enjoying my land and Razzle.My girl Leda is blind- competely in her right eye since birth... holy hell... I have had her for a year and a half and I never realized.It was a fluke we found it.Noone who knows her can believe it.She shows nothing... amazing.Razzle has moved into Oberons place in the house.He is a little guy. 34 lbs compared to Oberons 83... He is a frigging kook and wakes up grateful to be alive .I am lucky to have him.
My garden, like my heart is blooming,giving birth to new possibilities.