Monday, December 6, 2010

Post Tramatic stress-

It is with a heavy heart that I find myself-Leda is very sick,throwing up-even water-I had her X-rayed this afternoon and her stomach is clear- there is something in the intestines but dont know if that is causing the throwing up.I am a wreck.I used to handle emergency's really well.I was the calm,quiet one..Now I FREEEEAAAAKKK.And then I dont know who I am.jesus fuck- new jersy language.
All since that day.
It was a stressful one because I had laid awake all night wondering about the lost guy then Obie got skunked immediately in his nose...then I find out he is a member of El Dorado County Search team and they are all there-Pressure-
it wasnt until after I found him- and we were there on that mountain alone- him,Obie and I and his life was ebbing out of him and there was nothing-absolutly nothing that I could do but sit there with him, throw obie his bal for a job well done and scream- at the top of my lungs- for a fucking bird- a helicopter- I screamed until I was horse- and when they had taken him, I walked out at Oberons side-I have never felt so useless,so desperate-it is like it is painted on the inside of my eye lids- and now it haunts me- and I feel alone and afraid and I want Leda to be ok- and Sara to be ok-

Monday, November 15, 2010

YESTERDAYS

I was standing in about 3' of smashed down blackberries when I heard it rattle and felt the impact aginst my left leg.I had started wearing tall boots two days before in case...The day before I had falled in the bushes and had a hell of a time getting myself up without a hundred puncture holes..
But yesterday things looked different.I was standing there looking at all the blackberries that the goats have cleared and the stuff left to do.I realized that if that snake had got me,I would of been fucked.There is no one here-no one who has eatten off of me to pick up the carnage.My parents who fucked up my child hood, stold my children,abandoned me in my adult hood.They were life fuckin vultures,circling around me,keeping me in a horrid marriage for fear if I left they would again take my children.Parents who did nothing to teach me about birth control but took my kids when they were babies, forever harming the bond between us.Fuckers.Then there were the men... the older ones who were content to fuck this young girl but had no desire for a real relationship.I was a good fuck.Gene, who was a child molestor and never came home from work-because there were porno stores between work and his pregante wife....And Colin- dear old fucking colin.If my parents had not been circling me, I would of left the first time he backhanded me in the mouth.But they would take those kids in a minute.At 14,myfather had anew wife,new kids.Mom brought home Galen- newly parolled from San Quinten for 1st degree murder... wasnt safe for me there ! So golden gate became my home.Then Kevon- oh he was cute, offered me safety- but didnt want a relationship with me.I was a good fuck in between his women who were of the better age.
Peter- ah my savior from Colin- didnt care what impact he had on my life- he wanted a passionate lover so he could wash the taste of his last one out of his mouth.God I loved him.or how I felt with him.
I stood yesterday in the clearing of black berrieds and realized there was no one.Not one mother fucker gave a shit about my life.
I fight like hell for a place to live.Colin has ten acres with a four bedroom house..vultures.all of them. they left nothing and took it all.Bastards.
yesterday I was bit by the snake that healed me.I stood in that clearing and realized I owe them nothing.Not a fucking damn thing and today is a new day.
so while all of these main players in my life go back and forth between their secondhouses,I have fought tooth and nail for what I have.Today I have my self respect back and less for them.Today I will get up and not worry-Welcome back Song-dont ever go looking for family again.its far to expensive.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

autum is so rich

oaks trees loosing leaves
leave me yearing
for a splinter of my own
to poke and probe
my inner self.

little thoughts

you taught me to lie
by rejecting
my truth
so i cut my own heart out
to save you
the time

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

changed

The night Sara called and said she had cancer in both breast, my life changed.Everything- like a dusting of snow,settled in my heart-heavy,smoothering-

Saturday, October 16, 2010

momma

people say that she will get sick of us and shake us off.Burn us up,starve us out of existence.I don't think so.I did at one time though.But I have looked a little closer- at moms.All kinds.Horses,cows,squirrels,dogs,cats,birds,goats,pigs,rats,mice, all frigging sorts of moms and if there is one thing they have in common its that they don't destroy their kids.Its the other way around.The kids take,feed me,more- and if the kids are smart, they realize what a incredible resource they have and they honor and nourish her so that she will be healthy to give to them.If the kids are dumb,they take and take,they have no limits to the amount they will take and she dies,she shakes from the grief,she burns with anguish,she dries up from sadness.
This is what I think now.

Monday, August 30, 2010

I saw him today-

I saw his face, it was the face I loved and I knew--------------------
oh hell, I didnt know anything,I forgot what I even went to the store for ! I love that man still and wish I could learn to love another.We had a nice visit.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

chicken pot pie

There have been walks,rattlesnakes,puppy fur,flowers from the grave,midnight sweats,bouts of fear,emotions of joy,water.lots of it but more is always needed in my life.Visits with sisters and their grown kids from Tenn.Love lubricated the visit.goats are all I dreamed.They are sensative,hard as a rock,generous,humor filled and I love them so.Their names are- lead doe- Jumper and her side kick is a yearling wether names York.These are the two true tractors of the heard.Then there is Asia,a yearling who is wild and my milking doe.She comes to be milked, has never even lifted her feet when being milked,but wont let me touch her otherwise.She has a kid who is doe,about fiv emonths old.Asia was bred early and is small.Her kid,kuitar also a bit wild is beautiful and fair and looks like a baby deer still.Then a small wether who came named cookie doe but he isnt so Josiah just named him Van go as his horns are tweeked from human.He is a fainting goat.Those five came together.Cookie(now van) was gettingn the hell booted out of him so I went and got him a doe to live with.He is really happy.I am falling asleep.I willl be back

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I heard you cry

when the news arrived

about your friend.

He was all smiles

in every photo

and we remember him fondly.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

ouch

growing pains when talking to colin......

Friday, May 28, 2010

oceans of tears cried

Since I have checked in I have been to Texas to be with Sara and grandchildren.I had so much fun with the kids and they were sad to see me go.The night before I left, I wrote small notes on about twenty pieces of paper and hid them everywhere in the house.Some to a certain person,others just saying,I love you.The kids started finding them immediately and tonight when I was on the phone with Sara,she moved the bear on her table and there it was... I love you.I wrote on their eggs.. on the bananas.I put a note in the sugar jar, in the drawer where the tooth paste goes... silly places.I am silly.
They took Sara's breast.All double DD.I can not, do not have the words to express my feelings.It will work to say my daughter is more brave then I could of ever be.When I got there she was already home and in bed,I held her and slept beside her for five days while her husband slept in the guest room.We talked at night,or I rubbed her head.We cried.We cry still.I have not said this to her but I am scared to death,scared to a place I have never known, scared like scared raw.That the results from pathology test... could be bad.The lymph node...See them clear I say.See them clear.It keeps the panic at bay,washes the panic out of my mouth.See them clear.She has suffered so much in her life with this body(see them clear) I gave her... Fuck.See them clear.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Diary of a crazy woman who found her sanity

it feels like that anyway.As life's tragedy's hit me, I feel calmer and calmer.(my ee isnt working right..).I have either become numb or I am just surfing real well.I cant talk about Oberon yet except to say that he was such a good friend, the loss is huge and all effecting.
I have been learning things about my self at a excellerated rate...wow.Figuring out why I called Colin in- What we did together and what I needed to learn.Learning that looking backwards is good for seeing how far one has come but not for much else.I am so grateful for this time alone.I long for a lover more now and ... then I dont.I never had safe time alone as a young girl or woman so this time of loving /living with myself for 8 plus years has been so so gooood for me.I could say I would of been a much better mom,wife,person had I of done this first instead of having children so early but that is silly since that time it has come and gone.
I look at Peter in my heart and am sorry I didnt know how to handle it better.He like Kevon holds a very special place in my heart.I think he was a real lover in terms of it was just us... no kids, no parents- adults loving, lots of great sex.
Enjoying my land and Razzle.My girl Leda is blind- competely in her right eye since birth... holy hell... I have had her for a year and a half and I never realized.It was a fluke we found it.Noone who knows her can believe it.She shows nothing... amazing.Razzle has moved into Oberons place in the house.He is a little guy. 34 lbs compared to Oberons 83... He is a frigging kook and wakes up grateful to be alive .I am lucky to have him.
My garden, like my heart is blooming,giving birth to new possibilities.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

ten days

its been ten days and I still cant talk.I stick my face in his blanklet.I cant wash it yet.arg it hurts so damn deep.i mean way down,way down deep.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Monday, April 5, 2010

learning about my self

"mistake" is what I called a experience I didnt like............. but its all good even in its horridness.Its all a weird trip and nothing is really real.its all in our heads.Except what we make solid-give breath to-create for the drama of our own lives.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

eco systems

its a whole eco system of emotions
there are different colors,species of grief
the terrain of the joy can turn
to empty lonesome deserts
in the time it takes for the winds of
panic to give way to calm.
Midnight calming sessions
become regular learning time.
I am looking for the gift I know
comes along with all this grief.
Oberon is almost done but i feel panic
inside and what ifs and second guessing myself
over and over and the place i had
so clearly marked out has come and gone.
I am not nearly as brave as I had previously thought
or.. its just a line i say for who knows why.................................

Monday, March 29, 2010

a few hours later..

oh what a few hours can do to change ones life... after writing the last entry,I got a horrid call from Sara telling me she has cancer in both her breast and they will be taking them both.I can not even begin to tell the fear that is eating away at me at this time.The midnight panic is awful and I have to find a way to get to Sara.I desperately need someone to stay here with the boys while I fly to Texas.Someone please help me I beg. If I could just go for four days... Just to hold her.Please universe I beg you to be kind to me in this manner.
I cant sleep and the panic is building in me until I just sob uncontrolably.I am so scared and so far from her.Please universe, I am alone, done ask more then I can do.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Oh.. learning to listen

My back is telling me loudly today that I did too much yesterday in terms of lifting.My night sweat last night was saying I am going to bleed any time now and my grumpiness is transparent.I feel pushed against the wall with my neighbors and I know if I was a man or had one living here, what is going on would not be and I am offended by the reality of that.
I feel bullied AGAIN and I search it, like looking for a lost child,nothing is left uncovered.I look for that child inside me who was and felt unprotected,like i had to fend for myself and then was punished for standing up for myself.I have to get this lesson so I can stop the repetition of it in my life.
There is alot of pain in my right side and the fear it brings is intense.I know nothing is different today from yesterday except my whoremones(lol) so I am gong to just relax- read.
I saw a blue heron up in the very top of a oak and it was very beautiful against the sky.I hold that to my heart today.
I love my life and the fact that I have learned to embrace it and not struggle so much and know I am in touch/step with the universe.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I wonder

if there is any chance I was adopted...

Friday, March 12, 2010

OK

... WHAT IF.
HE WASN'T MY SOUL MATE AND WE DIDN'T JUST FUCK UP.WHAT IF WE WERE ONLY TO RAISE THE KIDS TOGETHER AND THEN GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS. WHAT IF THE UNIVERSE IN ALL ITS GLORY AND PAIN IS IN PERFECT STEP ? WHAT THE FUCK IF ITS TRUE?
WHAT IF THE HELL PEOPLE GO THROUGH-EARTHQUAKES,DISEASES, FIRES, ACCIDENTS ARE IN THE UNSCRIPTED PLAN OF SOMETHING-SOMEONE- WHO KNOWS I JUST KNOW THAT IT SURE GIVES ME A LOT OF ROOM... A QUESTION FOR THE READER;
WHAT WOULD/COULD BE THE RAMIFICATIONS OF SLEEPING WITH MY SONS FRIEND WHO IS OLDER THEN HIM AND YOUNGER THEN ME? I MEAN IT JUST COULD BE FUN.. . IF THE SEX IS GOOD.I WOULD RATHER HAVE NONE THEN BAD. BY FAR.HE IS YOUNG WITH A GOOD SX DRIVE WHICH IS ATTRACTIVE IN ITS SELF........... ANY THOUGHTS? HUM...

Sunday, March 7, 2010

colin

sometimes when we talk
it all disappears-
the pain, the loss
the feeling of despair
and your voice is as sweet
as water moving over
the pebbles in the creek
then you are my friend,
the husband I knew
the other spoon
in the bed.
This is all I know
of you after all
this time


I hate it when I feel soft towards him.It wounds me still.fuck. shit,damn.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

web connections-

a spider web of connections with oberon and i feel afraid for when he is gone and i must again redefine myself.Oberon is peter ( who bought him for me) and colin( who fought against me getting him) my old SAR friends, he lived on the ridge with me, on my land with colin.He was good with the grandkids.When he goes, that all is buried with him.Rowie and i loved him together. He is my guide to the secrets of scent, my light in the dark and when i think of being here without him, I feel so very lost. so unconnected.I am looking there now, attempting to make friends with the new me I know is going to be born like it or not.Even now i am in labor with the new me as I watch oberon stumble,grow old before my eyes.Zip was born june 1,1996 and died March 30th,2006. a few months short of 10 years.Obie was born June 8th,2000 and right now he is but a few months from his 10th year and I shake inside with the memory of loosing Zip.But I had oberon still. this is not the same now.I will be a new me without him and I dont know her and I am afraid.hold me please while i labor.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

When the future goes catyasswompus

My little sister recently lost her baby and she is still completely freaked out.I get it.She had plans.She had carefully planned these children,waiting until her 37th birthday. She had a girl and the boy was in the oven, on his way.Then life happened... or something.
I can relate. I was in this marriage that I wanted to work.I had my head down and was working and one day I looked up and realized I was all alone.I was still pulling but there wasnt anyone else there.He was gone- in his head,his heart.I tried more tricks then a pet crow to get him to love me, to appreciate me.Nothing worked. I was livid.I had plans.I had so fucked up with the choosing of the father of my kids...I thought I had done better with the grandfather.I had plans.The grandkids would come stay with grandma and grandpa,we would grow old and cute together.It was all layed out in my mind.And then life happened. or something. and I was catyasswompus and my inner compass was completely fucked up and I didnt know where I had been or where I was going.I was spinning and it was years before I got it stopped.Until I could right my craft,set a direction,have a plan again...
Life just happens..or something

Sunday, February 21, 2010

til death do we part.....

I spent a long time last night holding oberon who woke me up at 1:30 falling down. He was stumbling and peeing and couldnt focus.I jumped up, threw on clothes and slowly walked him outside where he tried to pee but fell over so I again supported him into the house where I called the 24 hr vets, took his temp and layed with him.I didnt want to take him to vets because first thing they do is take him from me and he was really disoriented so seperarting us would of made us both freak. I sat beside him for a couple of hours reading and petting his face while he slept.At four,I put him up on my waterbed because it was warm and crawled inbeside him.cradled him until six thirty then got up and fed others while he followed me with his eyes.
8 yrs ago when I was really sick and my family had all abandoned me, I ran a fever of 103 for 13 days and he NEVER lef tmy side except to pee,poop.If my breathing changed, he was right there looking me in the face, telling me he was there, holding my heart while I fought to not die.When it spiked to 104.8 he laid beside the bath tub while I shook for ten hours until it dropped.
I had a horrid childhood, full of fear and drunk parents.violence was our constant.He has been my savior, my jesus.Even when he isnt in the truck with me, he is there in spirit and often I turn looking for him because his presence is so strong.
He has been the family I didnt have, the safety every one desires.He is my partner, my bestest and as I sit here writing, he stumbles to me and kisses my face, licks my tears as they cascade down my face.He is the family,I never had.He is the one who stayed, who believed in me. I would trade all other relationships for this one with him.

til death do we part.....

I soent a long time last night holding oberon who woke me up at 1:30 falling down. He was stumbling and peeing and

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

walking with Cata

We love spenceville and spent a a couple of hours there this afternoon walking along roads,valley's and through alot of amazing oak forests.Took Razz along and he had a great day being without any other dog.
Cata is in such a horrid place.Rama is dying a horrible death and its just awful to watch.Why we cant be "put to sleep" as with our animals is so beyond me.Watching Jim die recently reminded me of how horrid it can be to have it happen to you or to watch someone you love die like that and be so helpless.
Rama has ALS. So he is choking..falling down,cant swallow.Its a sin if ever there was one to make him live through this.Humans are so cruel.So fucking raw and cruel.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

VALENTINES DAY

The day of love drew me
like a flame in the wind
to the banks of your creek
where the sound of waters
rushing over rock and moss
soothed my hungry heart.
Walking hand and land
through giant oaks,
their naked arms reaching '
out for my touch.
I wrapped my arms tight
around the girth of your being,
suck the heat that refected back the suns kiss.
Gifts of turtle shell
grace my walk.
feeling close
to my lover,
spenceville wildlife.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

thought provocating-

What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.-
Mignon Mc Laughlin


WOW... YES. WHO I AM- A WOMAN LIVING ALONE WITH MY DOGS- HAPPY, NICE LAND THAT I LOVE, A FEELING OF CALMNESS-A BIG SENSE OF COMPLETION AFTER BEING ABLE TO BE A SUCCESSFUL SAR K9 HANDLER- A POET- A WOMAN .A DOG TRAINER
WHAT IT COST ME: MY COMMUNITY,MY FAMILY,MY MARRIAGE,MY FALSE SENSE OF SAFETY,SECURITY.MY INSECURE THOUGHTS OF CAN I DO THIS ALONE??
WHAT DID I WANT? A LOVER FOR ME,A TRUE SENSE OF SELF,SAFETY, TO BE A K9 TRAINER, TO COME GO WITH NO PROBLEMS,TO SLEEP SOUNDLY.
WOW... THAT IS SUCH A INTENSE STATEMENT... THE TOP ONE. WOW

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Rolling thunder inside my being

Its rumbling and rolling and i feel it shifting things way down inside me. Waves from the movment cause flooding in my soul and areas of deep thinking are forming..I feel like rich dark chocolate with almonds.And strawberries. Stirrings- ripplings-cravings-desires-I feel the scorpio moon inside me,urging me on, teasing,taunting,acting like coyote, like morning love,hot baths under the sky.I feel life reinventing its self inside me.
I am now ready for you. I dont know who you are, I dont even know if you are a boy or a girl in terms of parts... but i am ready to introduce myself, expose myself,share myself.
Foxes bark and whistle to each other and i feel wild all over my skin.
There is this human around and he is so ready to be picked, enjoyed but i must and i repeat, I must hold my sit stay and not become involved simply because he has a cock and we all know what fun those are to play with...That is the only reason i am not a boy...I would play with mine all the time... all the time. I swear. I would never get anything done.

Friday, January 29, 2010

broken hearts, broken dreams

My little sister Beth lost her baby yesterday morning.He was 23 weeks in uterine and weighed 1.2 lbs and was 12 inches long. The prints of his feet are about a inch long and perfect.We were all so excited about this little boy coming into our lives.Our hearts are broken.I feel horrible for my little sister and her husband Jeremy.She had a infection and it caused her water to break. So they left the baby with her for a while and I think they made their peace with him.I went to SAC airport and picked up my step mom(her mom-same dad) and took her to the hospital where we visited with her and Penny, my 2 yr old niece.She was full of life and laughter and I was really glad she was there.Beth had a fever that spiked -103.4 early yesterday morning that caused them to hurry the labor.She seemed fine last night but then all of a sudden it went septic.Her temperature dropped to 94 and they put her in IC. I feel sad and scare for my sister.She was like my first baby.I was 12 when she was born and we shared a room immediately.Oh I cooed her.fed.bathe,changed her.I really loved her.They are going to keep her for a WEEK! I do not want her to die and it scares me that she could get a worse infection in there...

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

whew..

The dreams are coming at full speed and most of them include Colin. I realize that I have not healed after our divorce and now he haunts me in my dreams.In the last two months, my sleeping pattern has really changed and I have gone from only sleeping about 6 hours a night to a easy eight.I have NEVER SLEPT that much in my entire life.Sometimes ninc hours.Am I depressed or healing? With my smoke intake being very low I think that comes into play concernng my dreams.I either am dreaming more or just remembering them.But maybe its because I am now sleeping long enough to dream in the first place. eitherway, some of the dreams bring up a lot of crap... Stuff to work out in my day time waking.
My youger sisiter is on the verge of loosing her second child. She is now in hospital threatening to abort... I say if the baby is trying to be born, allow it.I think it sounded good at first but the reality is bad bad bad for her.It was so different with me but then I was 16 and she is almost forty so I guess she needs more help.For me it was always well you made your bed, now lay in it...Then they stole my children...
I got a letter from Colin last night telling me it wasnt his intentions to be mean to me... I wonder who is in charge of his intentions. Obviously not him.. That was why he was in my dreams.I went to bed upset by the letter.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

morning in spencville

in the bed of the creek
i bared my breast,
laid down my spirit
was taken by the current
swept down in perfect
time with the world around.
felt the touch of grass,twig
against my skin,
watched the sky melt by
with hawk above.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

dreams haunt me

feelings of bird like vulture
circling the white bleached bones of concrete
for ones still alive
buried under the bitter wine
made from grapes of wrath
where proverty is served up daily
in the sunshine.
waiting for someone
to listen closely
for cries mouthed with dust
and broken limbs
the people of haiti
weeping for the sound of their
loved ones buried to soon

Friday, January 15, 2010

Grief in Haiti

I feel the grief..
from across the land and over the water,My body feels the grief, the fear, the need for basic life support.. I ache inside.I cant be there as a rescuer but I feel their grief, their courage as they deploy their teams in efforts to save lives.
As I watch the images, I am overwhelmed...simply overwhelmed.I cant quit crying.The children...
I had wanted to get a new floor for the living room and my bedroom this year, But I will take my meger savings and send it to the redcross.While we are having ahard time here, its nothing compared to what those people are experencing..... nothing.I can have a rug for another year....

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My friend Jim

He passed into a different place yesterday early morning after being removed from life support.I had sat with him last week, he was barely there but I saw him know I was there as I washed his face, soaked the washcloth in red clover tea to wet his mouth that has been held open by his breathing tube and was dry. He looked me in the eyes as I offered it to him and sucked, nodded his head yes,yes,thank you.Then his eyes would get big,almost fixed and he would stare,a bit startled.I asked him if he could see them, the angles there for him and he looked at me and again,nodded. I washed his face,his neck again, more wet clover.I told him his daughter would be ok and he had panic momentarily.I sang to him and for him.I took my feathers in and some sage that had been slightly burned in for him to smell.As I held it up to his face, he closed his eyes and I could see him taking it in.
Tonight I feel really sad.Sad for him,sad for me and for all of the good times that will never be repeated......Rest easy Jim.We will be along soon.I love you.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The passing of another friend.

Jim died this morning and I feel sad.Really sad.Two and a half weeks ago we had gone out to look at this tractor I wanted to buy, then we went off with Michael to South Pine for lunch.We talked about the future gardens,how cute the little blue tractor was,and how perfect that it was a Ford which Jim had worked on for thirty years.
I realized that if all my friends were to die according to age, none of them will be here to help me die....But I would witness all of their passings.This made me depressed.
My belly is really painful and these antibiotics are wrecking me. kicking my ass.leaving me exhausted .. or the salmonella is... eitherway, I am tired and the dogs dont care.Leda wants to be worked,played with.. and I am just so tired.Slept 9 hours last night. WOW... tonight I wish there was two of me... One to do the chores,dogs and one to sleep and let this medicine do its work and my body heal... I am SO TIRED,WEAK... SKINNY...Yawnnnnnnnn

Monday, January 11, 2010

anti bi otics

These babies are kicking my ass. I feel whipped after taking one.Took the second one after my morning carrot juice and a steamed yam... yum.. woke up dizzy.How does one wake up dizzy? I felt like I was in a big swirl.Had dreamed I found two coyotes on the side of Oak Tree rd and I stopped to check on them, the female was whitish,pregnant and hurt it seemed...The male came and jumped on me when I was rubbing her belly.He started chin chewing on me, not really biting but showing the same kind of submissive behavior a pup would to a older adult.He was grey and silver.People had stropped when they saw me with them and I just remember yelling that he isnt biting me, he isnt biting me... I think they were freaked out when he jumped on my back and rolled me over, it wasnt like a alpha roll, it was a play and I just ended on my back with him on my chest.I never felt threatened. Woke up at 3:30, crawled to the refrig to take probiotics, then back to bed. went to sleep to sound of coyotes then had the dream.
My family, here with me. I feel comfort from them.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Salmanella

I have it... its better then cancer. I have been so happy since the dr called!!!!!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

saying goodbye to 51

today is the last day of me being 51 and I must say, even with my serious life long back injury,I am happier/calmer/more peaceful then ever in my life.
This last week I have been poked and probed and the some of the test results will be back this next week.I will deal with what ever is happening and look forward to being 52.I think Oberon and I came close to dying on Friday night and am just greatful for Razzle and his insistance in waking me up and his continuing to bark,jump on me until I actually got up.I think I pushed him away for a long while and he kept coming back... What a guy.Oberon had already peed in his bed and was pretty hard to get up.
Here is to the wizzard in us all.
On another note,today I got to give John,my trainer a wonderful gift- I had a friend paint his favorite dog's picture (recently deceased)on a big rock(47 lbs) and its just beautiful.His face softened and he put his arms around me and said it was one of his nicest presents he had ever gotten..It was my give away for my birthday.Last night I also made really yummy chicken pot pies and took them for the clubs lunch.Everyone loved them.They had- onions,garlic,celery,carrots,broc.corn,mushrooms,cream cheese and cashews in them. delicious.
blessed be.I am rich- and disposable.Its ok. with me anyhow!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Good friging grief..

Tonight I am in so much pain I should go to the ER room...But am so scared of that place.I am finding it really hard to eat at all.Nothing seems to make it better. I am offically freaked out.I am just going to be freaked out and be with that and try not to actually DO anything.Just be.but damn, I hurt bad.Took a two and a half hour nap.NEVER in my life have I done that.The pain had now moved from the center to the right side and I am just plain fucking sick. I made Debbie promise not to leave me at the hospital.I am terrified of that place.terrified . I went to bed last night in so much pain and so scared that I said to myself I have never been that scared. eegads. I ask for courage and a higher pain threashold.