oh what a few hours can do to change ones life... after writing the last entry,I got a horrid call from Sara telling me she has cancer in both her breast and they will be taking them both.I can not even begin to tell the fear that is eating away at me at this time.The midnight panic is awful and I have to find a way to get to Sara.I desperately need someone to stay here with the boys while I fly to Texas.Someone please help me I beg. If I could just go for four days... Just to hold her.Please universe I beg you to be kind to me in this manner.
I cant sleep and the panic is building in me until I just sob uncontrolably.I am so scared and so far from her.Please universe, I am alone, done ask more then I can do.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Oh.. learning to listen
My back is telling me loudly today that I did too much yesterday in terms of lifting.My night sweat last night was saying I am going to bleed any time now and my grumpiness is transparent.I feel pushed against the wall with my neighbors and I know if I was a man or had one living here, what is going on would not be and I am offended by the reality of that.
I feel bullied AGAIN and I search it, like looking for a lost child,nothing is left uncovered.I look for that child inside me who was and felt unprotected,like i had to fend for myself and then was punished for standing up for myself.I have to get this lesson so I can stop the repetition of it in my life.
There is alot of pain in my right side and the fear it brings is intense.I know nothing is different today from yesterday except my whoremones(lol) so I am gong to just relax- read.
I saw a blue heron up in the very top of a oak and it was very beautiful against the sky.I hold that to my heart today.
I love my life and the fact that I have learned to embrace it and not struggle so much and know I am in touch/step with the universe.
I feel bullied AGAIN and I search it, like looking for a lost child,nothing is left uncovered.I look for that child inside me who was and felt unprotected,like i had to fend for myself and then was punished for standing up for myself.I have to get this lesson so I can stop the repetition of it in my life.
There is alot of pain in my right side and the fear it brings is intense.I know nothing is different today from yesterday except my whoremones(lol) so I am gong to just relax- read.
I saw a blue heron up in the very top of a oak and it was very beautiful against the sky.I hold that to my heart today.
I love my life and the fact that I have learned to embrace it and not struggle so much and know I am in touch/step with the universe.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
OK
... WHAT IF.
HE WASN'T MY SOUL MATE AND WE DIDN'T JUST FUCK UP.WHAT IF WE WERE ONLY TO RAISE THE KIDS TOGETHER AND THEN GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS. WHAT IF THE UNIVERSE IN ALL ITS GLORY AND PAIN IS IN PERFECT STEP ? WHAT THE FUCK IF ITS TRUE?
WHAT IF THE HELL PEOPLE GO THROUGH-EARTHQUAKES,DISEASES, FIRES, ACCIDENTS ARE IN THE UNSCRIPTED PLAN OF SOMETHING-SOMEONE- WHO KNOWS I JUST KNOW THAT IT SURE GIVES ME A LOT OF ROOM... A QUESTION FOR THE READER;
WHAT WOULD/COULD BE THE RAMIFICATIONS OF SLEEPING WITH MY SONS FRIEND WHO IS OLDER THEN HIM AND YOUNGER THEN ME? I MEAN IT JUST COULD BE FUN.. . IF THE SEX IS GOOD.I WOULD RATHER HAVE NONE THEN BAD. BY FAR.HE IS YOUNG WITH A GOOD SX DRIVE WHICH IS ATTRACTIVE IN ITS SELF........... ANY THOUGHTS? HUM...
HE WASN'T MY SOUL MATE AND WE DIDN'T JUST FUCK UP.WHAT IF WE WERE ONLY TO RAISE THE KIDS TOGETHER AND THEN GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS. WHAT IF THE UNIVERSE IN ALL ITS GLORY AND PAIN IS IN PERFECT STEP ? WHAT THE FUCK IF ITS TRUE?
WHAT IF THE HELL PEOPLE GO THROUGH-EARTHQUAKES,DISEASES, FIRES, ACCIDENTS ARE IN THE UNSCRIPTED PLAN OF SOMETHING-SOMEONE- WHO KNOWS I JUST KNOW THAT IT SURE GIVES ME A LOT OF ROOM... A QUESTION FOR THE READER;
WHAT WOULD/COULD BE THE RAMIFICATIONS OF SLEEPING WITH MY SONS FRIEND WHO IS OLDER THEN HIM AND YOUNGER THEN ME? I MEAN IT JUST COULD BE FUN.. . IF THE SEX IS GOOD.I WOULD RATHER HAVE NONE THEN BAD. BY FAR.HE IS YOUNG WITH A GOOD SX DRIVE WHICH IS ATTRACTIVE IN ITS SELF........... ANY THOUGHTS? HUM...
Sunday, March 7, 2010
colin
sometimes when we talk
it all disappears-
the pain, the loss
the feeling of despair
and your voice is as sweet
as water moving over
the pebbles in the creek
then you are my friend,
the husband I knew
the other spoon
in the bed.
This is all I know
of you after all
this time
I hate it when I feel soft towards him.It wounds me still.fuck. shit,damn.
it all disappears-
the pain, the loss
the feeling of despair
and your voice is as sweet
as water moving over
the pebbles in the creek
then you are my friend,
the husband I knew
the other spoon
in the bed.
This is all I know
of you after all
this time
I hate it when I feel soft towards him.It wounds me still.fuck. shit,damn.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
web connections-
a spider web of connections with oberon and i feel afraid for when he is gone and i must again redefine myself.Oberon is peter ( who bought him for me) and colin( who fought against me getting him) my old SAR friends, he lived on the ridge with me, on my land with colin.He was good with the grandkids.When he goes, that all is buried with him.Rowie and i loved him together. He is my guide to the secrets of scent, my light in the dark and when i think of being here without him, I feel so very lost. so unconnected.I am looking there now, attempting to make friends with the new me I know is going to be born like it or not.Even now i am in labor with the new me as I watch oberon stumble,grow old before my eyes.Zip was born june 1,1996 and died March 30th,2006. a few months short of 10 years.Obie was born June 8th,2000 and right now he is but a few months from his 10th year and I shake inside with the memory of loosing Zip.But I had oberon still. this is not the same now.I will be a new me without him and I dont know her and I am afraid.hold me please while i labor.
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