Picture Perfect Postcard

Sometimes I think my life is one big postcard with views that leave me inspired and awed by the beauty,the greatness, the pain of growth.
My life in CARDA is over and I am no longer a member.It feels like hundreds, thousands of pounds were lifted from my shoulders,my heart.I feel like I have my life back.I no longer must focus on the dead and possibly dieing.My focus of "what if " is over.It has taken me a long time of working through loosing Lilly and not finding her or bringing Rachael closure.However, the universe provides as I did find her daughter.Her older one she has never held,met or looked into her eyes.The one taken immediately at birth.But...One day before her 41 birthday..Connection!.Now Rachael has a daughter, and a grandson/granddaughter.Blessed be.I feel so full.
The beauty around me has leaked into my life and I am green in spring planting my fruit trees and cleaning my land.I walk in beauty everywhere.
I miss my moon and tonight I washed my face with a moon rag and could smell my blood and I sank my face in deep sniffing her.She and I were together four months short of forty one years.WOW... She was such a awesome friend and I am so very grateful for the things she brought me. I have missed three cycles today.I feel so deeply humbled.

I WANT TO TASTE IT.....

my body is so much better.I feel really grateful.VERY MUCH SO.However, there is fear in my body,mind.Fear of that kind of pain and so I find myself guarding... nervous to do anything that could even hint of hurting myself.I have never felt this way and so am just watching it and know it will pass.I love the stuff inside it all.Its warm and gooey and safe.very safe.Calm and wonderful colors that make me warm.wanna eat it, put it in my mouth to taste it.
My garden emerges from the darkness to the light.I love it.I am glad all over.Thank you self for the journey, for the courage to make the journey and for enough of a sense of humor to be able to laugh at my-self.I am that I am.nothing more,nothing less.a minute in time,a whisper in the bath tub,a wave in the water.a polly wog woman.yum

wow,whew and whatever

I think the notion, the dream,fantasy or what ever.. about unconditional love is a frigging lie and I think it is passed around to grow more lies.I was talking with Itamar about this recently.He said its a lie he encounters all the time in his practice.He said its a set up to not measure up... Its odd.I have never loved anyone, thing unconditionally.Nor has it ever happened to me.I love my kids... But if they murdered some kid...I would not love them.If I killed your child, I would not expect you to love me.It is so odd how we build these things, these ideas,notions to live,love by.
Some guy I was speaking to the other day said the problem with the world is that women don't expect enough from men.I thought that a interesting view.I didn't ponder it long though...
I am pondering the green grass growing like crazy in Spenceville.The trees bursting buds and the clouds against the blue sky...Makes me crazy in love.I have been falling in love all over the place.In the least expected places.... water whispers as it travels over the rocks and if you lean in close, you can hear it giggle.I like it.a lot.

shes gone away...

she left.
no goodbye,
no forwarding address
no nothing.
she is just gone.
everyday i look
many times over.
But there is no trace
just a few of her things left behind.
She was once very dependable
almost like clockwork
but better.
she would keep me grounded
just by showing up
and I have loved her
admired her,pained over her.
I cant understand how
she could go so freely.
I feel lonesome for her
and hope she changes her mind
comes back-
at least for a visit.
I feel so dizzy without her.
As if I just keep spinning around
with no focus point,
nothing to keep my eyes on
to hold my balance.
I want her back.period.

WHEW.

ferns open their branches slowly by unclurling.So it is with myself.rollypolies to.slowly stretching showing bellies,tender to the touch.

Wow and more is what I say.wow and whew and holytoemoley............................

I feel better.so much better that I could actually play with the dogs today.We have all gained weight this last seven weeks....