A new View....

I have windows.Two double pane 3' x 5' ones that slide with screens.... EEEWWWW HHHA. AND to the right of the door going out, is a 2 1/2 x 3'.They are so pretty and the porch is completely closed in, insulated- even the floor! It is so sweet.The dogs space is so nice now and Razz's crate with fern on top is beauuutiful...............
I went to doc and they want to scope me down the throat and up the butt... E gads. Also the county called and approved my medical coverage so I am a very happy camper about that part...
Spent time at hospital today with Jim... Damn it hard to watch him die....
despite all of this, the windows, the new view, the blue moon trump it all and I am a happy girl.
52 is I hope less painful then 51 was..

Death

..its all around us.Jack,Laurie's dad died this morning, 27 days before his 100 birthday.Jim was taken to the hospital this morning and I spent the evening there with him.He is dying. Its hard on the youngsters who love him.Bell is very upset and little Bit...I tell em its their turn to help us die as we helped them be born.
I see the specialist tomorrow but still cant do any test until the county clears... I dont ever want to be in the hospital.EVER. I told Bell that....... If this stomach thing goes south... I am not doing hospitals. I have had such a full life. I cant stand the thought of dying there.
I am Jim advocate until his daughter gets here on the fourth.I turn 52 on the 10.The Indians say we become adults at 52.....LOL.
Going to the bath to soak and pray for grace.

Sick?

I dont really like that word... I am feeling better emotionally then ever yet I am physically sick.My stomach/intestines have been bleeding for almost six months now and the pain is sometimes unbareable.Like now... ahhhh!!!!trying to get my medical to kick in so I can go have the test done... They say there is a three month back up for approval. e gads, I could be dead by then.
Rama is on his way out... His ALS is taking hold and he looks awful.Jim's lukemia has returned and on Friday we will have a meeting to make a schedule to who takes him to his appointments. Arlo is so thin...
As the guy said on WITH HONORS- Its amazing how different the view is coming in to going out..
Spending time with those I love and those who love me and realizing more each day how unimportant so much stuff is and how we take nothing with us.Being at at spenceville as much as possible as it lends me much comfort in my heart,soul. Know denial isnt working at this point.The pain is intense and being calm keeps the panic back some. I see the doctor on Thursday but cant schedule any test until after the mediacl approval.This now becomes more important as times goes by.My writing.I can feel my inside burning and its intense.It is comforting to know my children are all good without me although Mondy is in big crisis and Nakirye almost dying twice in six months has everyone freaked out. I ask the universe for calmness inside.blessed be

Who is this really about..

This meeting with Colin hangs over my being like a low cloud and I ask myself again who this is really all about.Why I have this feeling of being dooped again.If I stand in my own integrity it sez this is none of my business. Who am I to think I should help this person who has been so mean,disrespectful to me.Do I REALLY think its going to make any diffference in how he feels, treats me and does it matter to me anymore?
If everything I have already done doesnt matter, why would anything I do now matter? Why do I struggle so often with the reality that some people are the way they are and change isnt a behavior they are intersted in looking at.If I work this problem the way I would work a trailing problem, then no,I cant meet with him.In trailing, each decision point is based on the last...If the dog comes through a intersection strong then I know we are on trail, if not,I have to look deeply at the last one....Our past is nothng to build a trail on and will lead me in the wrong dirrection... If he sez his life is none of my business, then why should this part be any of different and why do I keep falling in the same hole over and over? The only answer I find is that it isnt my business and I need to just shut up and stay back no matter what he wants.If I must live with the conquences of my life, my decisions, who am I to not allow him the same? This is how I got here.... by thinking I could "fix" things. We teach people how to treat us.. So WAKE UP SONG... BE RESPECTFUL TO YOURSELF.I feel clarity coming and that is good...what is hard is changing my behavior, response to him.Damn,I am getting this.. it is amazing how writing it down makes it different.Its taken me a very long time and so muchpain and having to be honest and it brings me to this... Its none of my business and I should not do anything about his problem which he wants to be my problem.I think after 28 years, I do love me more then him.I have been better to me, more reliable. Somethings I learn slow.... But I think I have it.. will carry this around today in the chambers of my heart and see how it feels.
Foxy frog momma, you are doing ok...

looking forward beyond my past

"sometimes you got to look back to know where you are going",I said today to no one inparticular, while out walking in spenceville alone...that its a good thing I love life-otherwise it wouldnt be worth living.When I said that I was thinking of the whole thing.Not the beginning or end but the journey and with that came the end of the journey in this body and I think its a groovy thing.I love the composting and what its births.Dying to be reborn.
The relaxing into myself.I am becoming more and more human and its painful but I know if its not done this time,I might have to repeat this human form again. I am finally getting them,us,me.
As I said, its painful.
Going through the birth canal of a new process and am just breathing and keeping the brain relaxed.Remembering to loosen my toes, my fingers,to let the current carry me through.I float better if I dont struggle. I love my life in all of its complex and simple ways.I feel like I can finally own it in terms of being very comfortable in my skin, my sleep, my waking.
I rolled down a hill yesterday when I was at spenceville.Just layed down and rolled.It felt so good to be in the arms of my mother,my friend,my soul mate.I wondered if it looked funny to the hawks who were above me.Did they think it was a death roll? When it fact I just wanted to get her all over me,surround myself with the smell, the dirt,the grass in my hair.I wanted to dress like her.

a turning inside

I have never been the kind of woman who shut people out.I might argue, get mad, but I just have never shut doors that couldn't be opened if desired.However, I find myself in this place now. A place that is not familiar to me but also not scary,intimidating to me. I find it is now time to shut the door behind me as I walk away from one I have loved dearly. I don't do this out of malice,contempt.I do this out of self respect.Something I have been short on in many aspects of my life. I feel clear about it.I feel it is the correct decision and it feels alright.I don't have any big charge, simply I feel full and must get up from the table.
Blessed be

Oh boy....

My momma is back to smoking even though she is on Oxygen.I heard my dad talking to my god father last week and he said he had cancer.When I aksed him "WHAT DID YU SAY"??? He told me - nothing-nothing... I knew instantly he didnt want me to know.Respecting his privacy, I didnt ask again but now the knowledge of it is sitting in my stomach,my heart.
Oberons right leg which is not the one with the tummor is almost useless.It drags, goes under his left.He has fallen down the stairs several times and its breaking my heart.His heart is stronger then ever however.
I feel losses coming at me full speed and I can no longer set myself against the coming crash.
I hope I am stronger then I feel.

learning to be human

I realize I am so much better at being human since my split with rowan.I have learned to lie.For years I told my truths.People hated me for it. It was too raw,to painful, to much.I lost friends right and left.
Now I have noticed when I dont tell the truth, people stick around alot longer.This cracks me up.They call, ask how I am and I graciously tell them what they want to hear and then they call back.My family, or what is left of it is really good at it.

CHEMICALS

when I see his name in my "in box"
or when I see that other guys car on the road...
I get this chemical reaction inside my body.
It sometimes comes fast, sometimes slow.
It's like something in my blood
surging with each beat of my heart.
After all these years... I'm impressed.



My friends are dying and its hard.I have a client who became a friend.. she is now 37.Breast cancer..... at 35. I pray she goes tonight and she suffer no more nor her husband and two small children.... If there is that god she holds so dearly too... Now would be a great time to show up and do something great... heal her, take her..but just let the suffering end.Her husbands letter was so desperate, so painful.So fucking honest.She is past talking now,past being awake much.Yellow.everywhere.If she were a dog,a cat, a horse, we would lovingly,gently let her go with a shot and her family there.Instead she must suffer and it is so so sad.If that ever happens to me, somebody, anybody, smmmmooother me...Sit on my face like I have asked several of you anyway.... Today I have been sad and felt so useless.helpless.I went to spenceville and a big red tail flew over me low in circles lending me insight,gently reminding me I cant fix EVERYTHING!!

blue heron left
painted shadow
across open meadow
where i roamed.
and the words
dripped
like melting ice
in the chambers
of my heart.
the wind from her wing
set me free
and left me floating
in the under current-
like love with a studder
tossing and turning in the
ever changing weather of life

spenceville

I followed the yellow brick road
to the land of my lover
walked hand and land
rounded bends,crossed creeks
breathed deep the moist air
laying low in the drainages.

got drunk on beauty
giggled at water rippling
back at me.

placenta detachment

i call each day or two
grateful,obedient.
despite the pain
that surges through
my heart channels
as if they were on fire
often when we talk..
reminded daily of childbirth
34 years later
i show respect to you
my mother.
i peel the emotional placenta
back gently as if a skin
whisper thin
so as not to rip-
or cause bleeding.
we alone
stand together.

its red like my first borns lips

growing outside
my bedroom window
ripening on the vine
is my first
and its deep red
like the first time
blood ran
from my moon,
from his manhood
inside me.
It wasn't a apple
but a pomegranate
Eve picked in
the lovely garden
offered her.
she knew
in that fruit
were sweet explosive
garnets of expression
waiting for her.
to be enjoyed
over and over
waves of red roses
over sunsets.

RE

roll
romp
relax
release
reduce
reuse
redo
repeat
reopen
react
rebirth
reheat
refine
reline
regrip
regain
regroup
request
rehab

layers of opening

pedals fell from
my belly to the soft
accepting earth and
cushioned my fall
as I gave myself
to the goddess
for cleansing
for celebration.

blooming early
in the last years
as my hair greys
and wrinkles
fill in the spaces
which once held
emotions fixed
I bend now
easy-

hum.....?..!!!!.....????

Hum.I think I'm lonely.

perhaps like a lone rose,

the last one of the season

to bloom.

My yard, life

wants for your laughter.

the other end of the tub

is waiting just for you

your strong back.

autum coyotes

two coyotes
going their
own way
together

if i were to reach
for flower high
on the bush
would it bend
for me?


rain makes me cry
happiness

Sometimes I ......

I wanna go be a pirate on the SEA SHEPHERD.My Scorpio moon wants me to.My Pisces rising wants me to.My Capricorn sun sez I am nuts.Two out of three aint bad.

it happened like this. I swear.

When I heard her barking,I thought she was barking at the fawn living between here and the grinding holes.I went out ready to tell her to shut up when I realized there was a huge rattle snake in the bush and it was not happy.I immediately checked her, put her away and went to get dressed..Those snakes almost always show up when I am naked.I wonder what that is about? So I try and fail at catching it... and it is near the shed which I do not want him going underso I call my neighbor Rich who loves killing them.He comes over and sadly shoots it.It was huge.Ok, I recover..its the second one in five weeks.When I however found another one on Wed.morning where Oberon and Razzle were JUST playing, I just get fed up....I catch it,put it in the garbage can..It sits there for two days because I am not sure what to do with it.I am sick of saving the bastards..
So today on my way to town,I have snake in can in truck when I pull in to "the animal control office" and step inside.The women at the counter saw me and asked if they could help me...( I think to myself how sorry they were going to be for asking me that) I say yea, I got this snake ... I dont want to kill it and want them to take it.They step back quick as if I had it there.. and say they dont do snakes.I say but... but... but... you gotta.I say go get a cop ( its run by the sheriffs dept)..so they go get this cuter then hell little cop..He comes out, looks at me annd sez
'Why are you bringing me a rattler? I hate snakes" I look him up and down very slowly as he was delightful to take in.. and say
" cuz you're the man baby, you are the man"."You got the gun,the badge, the stripes." He tells me he cant shoot a thing.
Finally we agree he will take the snake due to me being overwhelmed with three in six weeks.
I leave, telling him what a sucker he is.He tells me to come back and get the garbage can.
I go back after my town trip and walk in with a chocolate cheese cake and a lb of strawberries.I see that cute little cop and tell him if I had a lover or husband who got rid of the snake for me, I would give him chocolate and strawberries.His face almost fell off.He was so flattered.Offered to help me with any snake problem I had....He will remember that for a while.It was really delicious fun.

lessons learned

I have been reflecting on my life and realize I have learned some really good lessons recently.The Sch club is a intense place and the people there are very different from me(boy howdy) and its a fine line for me to walk.I know there is something bugging a few of them and in the past I would of asked,perhaps even pushed.I have learned to not pick the chick out of the egg.Let it happen, be born.Rather it is a baby,a dream,a passion- just let it unfold.This makes for a win win for everyone.Important lessons.
Been spending time with my mom.Working on being present with her.We went and had a Root beer float last week and she thought that was good.
I am so tired as I have been canning,drying...... going to bed now
when it rains the work will die back some!!!

whew what a summer...

I am full.To the brim.
It has been a summer full of experiences.The twins were here for eight days and we had several days of fun.We went to the high country and hiked around, swam in several lakes.Oh such beauty...(I need to learn how to put pictures here).
We took Razz and he was in seventh heaven..Naked women.His kind of girl.I swear he IS a man in a dogs body...
We also went Kayaking and had a blast.I am such a water woman....moon in Scorpio and rising in Pisces..Also the river....so very yummy.I love how the water can touch all of me at the same time.The best lover I swear.......
Oberon isn't well.Right now he is limping on three out of four of his limbs and its painful to watch.I find myself emotionally unable to make good decisions about it so this morning when at the park, I asked a woman who I thought was in her 80"s if I could ask her a question.... I told her about his age and his pain.She clearly could see his love for me as he never took his eyes off me while we spoke.... I expressed my inability to know how to manage his pain.She looked at me,put her arms around me as tears ran down my face and said.... He knows what he is doing.... let his manage his own pain.I thought how silly of me...I have trusted him so much,followed him when I had no idea where the trail went...So why now do I think I need to take over? Good question.Part of it is I know what kind of dog he is and he who would drag himself if he thought I needed him.He loves me more then he loves himself by far.So I must respect that and understand that to the true depth he offers it and not ask of things which now will hurt him.Other parts are drifting into my brain...
I had a delicious time with my dad,other momma, sister and three nieces.We had a wonderful visit that I think left us all feeling like we were connected.I love all the nieces.
My freezer is full of peaches,strawberries,blueberries,blackberries....YUMMY.... I too the HR Training aids to Peter.No room here for death.Peaches from my own trees!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! weee haw!!!! Boy howdy.......
I found two new grinding holes last night.Small like my breast.

Oberon

Waiting for the lab work to come back.He doesn't want to put any weigh on it today and I think I am going to suffocate.I can hardly breathe today and the taste of panic coats my mouth.
I cant think straight and am fighting for calm.
I caught the July rattle snake in the yard on Sat night.That helped as I was a nervous wreck about the "coming july meeting".She is big,11 rattles.She wasnt happy about being caught but not as combative as the one last July.I have to go let her go this morning and will place her near a nice creek at Spenceville.
Oddly enough Bodie showed up here last night.He is working on a film about a woman medicine horse.I love to hear him sing and wonder why the universe brought him here.He wants to come walk and see the grindingholes and such.I have become so much more picky about who goes over there now.The chief of local tribe is no longer welcome here on this land and I am grateful to the spirits for clearing my heart about my responsibility about the place.I realize that it wasnt my place to make them want to come back and love their ancestors home.I only had to offer it.That feels so good to be clear about.
The twins will be here in 11 days.I am very excited to spend eight days with them.I think we will spend time with alot of water.
I ask the universe to not take Oberon now. I have to go get things cut off my back and I find it amazing that I am following him on this medical trail.I have always followed Oberon.I cant imagine my life without Oberon right now.
I need to pay attention.

OBERON- MY FRIEND

In fifty one years I have met a lot of souls.I have not in my life experienced one like Oberon.I feel him wraped around my heart like a life force.I have followed him and he has led.I am honored.He trust me and reminds me daily I am worth his love.We dont lie to each other.We wake up everyday honoring one another in our lives.We stretch and I rub his belly when he rolls to his back.We discuss the day and together we start it.We are considerate of one another and respect each others strenghts, weaknesses.we are in love,we are about love.The love and respect we feel for each other is evident to everyone who sees us together.He is the one spirit in my life experience I have never lost respect for.No matter if he is in the truck or not, I feel him always with me.He has taught me about love, honestly,committment.I am forever grateful to him.
We went to see Tim today.First Tim poked it and looked at cells under scope.. red cells and a few weird ones.So they X-ray and of course Oberon isnt interested in laying still so we knock him out and do X-ray which shows what ever "it" is... has a good grip on his bone.So Tim carries him to other table and I comfort him while tim numbs lump and begins to cut.It is too attached to bone to remove so we get a small piece and send it off to lab.I hope we know by Sat.Oberon woke up and said lets go home so now he has a YELLOW(omg) bandage and is sound asleep.He was happy when he woke up and wanted to jump in truck...no way old man.
I have made the decision if it is as Tim thinks a cancer of some form... I will not cut his leg off to "save him" or give him more time.I can not widdle down my friend.But I beg the universe from the guts of my soul, please dont ask me to kill him.Anything else,I beg.

FROGGIES... MY room mates

I luv em... They escorted me from my bathroom to the porch last night and I had to just sit and watch them do their lives.So good at being frogs.
A new one in my bathroom sink appeared yesterday.I went to brush my teeth last night and he stuck his face out from the little hole.I put a spider in his sink, he gobbled it up and I couldn't keep from feeling such strong emotions.I so love the simple way of frogs.I have a lot to learn from them.

Rehab

Ah such a word.
REHAB.I am working with a dog who has had too much pressure on him and he wont track.He lays down, shuts down.Handler gets mad, shuts down,wont train dog.Circles.Everything circles.I take dog yesterday and play with him.I mean really get on ground,wet, dirty play with him.I set standards of how I will play and he willingly works within my boundaries.I tracked him.He did beautiful.Better then beautiful.He was stopping so fast on articles that his ass just about came over his head.He was so happy to be working WITH me he was willing to do anything.Handler didnt leave when I very sternly tell him to FUCK OFF when he even thinks about approaching dog...so I think ok, he is ready for the truth...This morning handler gets out happy.Dog sees me and is instantly ready to work/play.Dog tracks BEAUTIFUL today, on track, downs on all articles,kisses me(we made out on the track its true) and leave track when finished wanting to do more.Now THAT is what I am talking about!! My heart flies with eagles when I get it right with the dogs and they respond perfectly confirming my guts. I can so love dogs... wish I could get it to transfer to humans... Dogs dont lie.That is so where I get hung up....
Twins will be here in a month and I am so excited.They will b e flying out so they can spend 8 days here.We are going to the high country,going to rent Kayaks one day... and river, eat, smoke, laugh.I am so excite to see them.Eight whole days!! Sad Rowan wont be here but that is her choice.
Laurie is going to come stay with dogs while we go to hot springs and such.YES!!
OK,Lance here and we are working on black berries today.Been canning/freezing like nuts. So much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plums off of my own treesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

WOMEN IN BLACK -INSIDE ME

I thought of them as I drove in and saw the farmers over in the grinding hole area.I wished them inside me to calm my hurt,my frustration.

I packed my pipe and went over to the rock to sit and think of the women in black and how they stand quietly.silent yet in full protest..

So I crawled up on the rock and sat.I looked over at them and they saw me there and stopped to talk to each other.

I tried as Laurie said to feel compassion for them.The young mexican woman is lovely and I imagine there is some pain in what she is doing because she knows.She is native to Mexico.It is in her blood.

But the tractor drivers are hard to have compassion for.I told them about the site.I explained the sacredness of it.

Summer Solstice is here.

With that, its gone and the nights are longer and the days are shorter.I personally have been kind of kateewompus since Jan with not doing my regular stuff due to back injury.It is a interesting time for me.I drove today for three hours and oh my goodness, my back hurts tonight.This is all new to me and I am trying...no doing my best to not let it completely overwhelm me.I am a do it my self kind of girl and that mostly works really well for me.Now however, I am meeting a new kind of girl inside me.. she take two trips to car instead of one, she moves gently instead of so bouncy.She is very aware she even has a back now... lol..She is me and I embrace me kindly.
Been exchanging e-mails with life room mate and I swear its kind of like insanity.. doing the same and expecting different results... I am sure he feels the same about me.But we are making headway.At each intersection in our communication I have to remember I have a choice how I go forward,how I respond.Its good and keeps me really present.I think we very easily get into this weird competition of who feels the worse from the others actions... Time to grow up.Choose different way.
CHOICE- write it on a piece of paper and hold upside down to a mirror... the only english word you cant change in a mirror..That is how important CHOICE IS.We give it away so often...

rock in my soul

it has been weeks since I have learned I come not from the natives as I had previously thought... I had always thought I had been a Indian at sometime in my life.I have always been drawn to their lives, their belief systems about the sacredness of the earth.I come from the rocks.Which is why I always live around so many of them.Why I am drawn to them.
When my father came two years ago,we spoke about his father, I should of known that there was something up....My grandfather was a stone mason.My father always worked in rock.I come from the rocks.That is why I pick them up, carry them around,have them in my trucks, window sills...Longing for connection to my family.
That is why I am hard, why it is difficult for me to beat around the bush as they say.When i say something, it is like a rock through water. straight to the bottom.Not comfortable to fall against.. I am a rock, I am a island..and a rock feels no pain. and a island never cries....
I am a stoner.

Human behavior

I just dont get humans very well.There is one theme that comes over and over through my life.
Human's lie and then expect me to respond to their truth.I just don't get it.Dogs don't lie.Unless taught to by humans.
A example.There is a dress code at the club...but no one sez anything about it to me.Six months later,I get in trouble for breaking the code for six months.Had someone of said something the six months of wrong dressing or build up of resentment would not occur.Fat women hate me.I shouldn't wear short shirts... tight pants..
A year ago, I offered a pup to my friend Rowan who had said for years she wanted that kind.So when I offered it, she was free to say no, it was a bad time,that she DIDN'T REALLY want the pup, just wanted to talk about it.I would of understood.Instead, she sez yes and for four months, I am subjected to silence from her stupid boyfriend who said nothing.Like I forced the pup on them.I was told by Rowan that I should just let him be... As if twenty one years of being punished by Colin for dogs wasn't enough.Before this the guy would talk to me, called me hot (as if I should be impressed with myself because he thinks I am hot).So I get punished because this guy cant tell Rowen he didn't want the dog.How stupid.What a coward.So I get blamed,
I wish people wouldn't lie.I wish I understood them as well as dogs.It is awful to have to deal with people who lie about their lives and then blame it on others.
After calling the chief four times about the plowing next land over through the grinding areas,I realize he is lieing to himself and me.He isn't going to do what he said and he is mad I remind him of that.
Humans are weird and I am feeling more comfortable with dogs.

POLLYWOGIGNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH HOW I LOVE POLLYWOGS.I DEEPLY missed them last year so I took a container, went to the local mud pond and saved a bunch.The pond always dries before they hatch to frogs so I am dancing the pollywog dance..... ye yea yes....OH HOW I LOVE POLLYWOGS.Some are big and some are small.All are BEAUUTIFUL.... EW SO BEAUTIFUL.

Dealing with Death

I feel like a rollie pollie and want to curl up and hide my soft side.Only expose the hard protected side.But now that I write it, it is already gone... My momma is on her way out.The oxygen isnt helping her now.Emotions are running as high and full as the river.You could drown if you get in to deep.Keeping communications open.what really matters anyway....

sleepy face comfort girl

ah what a nice weekend.I am tired to my bones.Working dogs until 1 am,got home at 2 am... Yawn big time.I so love my home and my dog friends.Meanning Oberon,Razzle,Leda. I feel cozy.Like I have flannel pajamas on in my emotions.......soft,content.

mixed emotions

Lots of them.I went to the docs today about my spine and my lumbar 5 and sacrum 1 disk is gone.Blown out.WWWAAAAAAAAAA I want to crawl up in someones lap and cry.Isnt that a nnew feeling I ask and am then distracted by the injury fact.lol.... Imagine crawling in someones lap as if that would change a damn thing...Funny how we..maybe just me... seek comfort outside of ourselves...
But yes, this is a serious injury and its changed my life.
ok.. other thing on my mind today... this idea of intimacy... and married men and casual sex and how there is this rampant reasoning that in order to have good sex one must have intimacy... or that casual sex cant be intimate...what a silly joke.I am intimate with my dogs,my favorite places of comfort,but I am not sexual with these things.critters.. so I for one what to bomb this stupid thought process.I felt intimate with my pollywog's.I cared deeply about them.What a weird world we swim through huh?
L5/S1.... hum... gotta see that healed.

a phoenix rose today

I had finished tracking Bead Woman and had put her away,let the boys out and was just getting into my car when it rose.A huge black bird with red wing tips.It was bigger then a hawk,or a turkey vulture(peace eagle).It came out from the earth directly from the end of the track we had run and as I jumped from my car, it disappeared.completely.
A hour earlier Peter had told me Bella was gone.Bella taught me to track.She taught me more about scent then anyone I know.I honor her today.She was one of my best friends.

midnight view

its 3 am and I am awake due to pain in my hip... There are not many things in my life I wish I could do over...but lifting that hutch is certainly one of them....This has been the worst injury of my life and I sense that it is going to be with me for a long time.Forever according to Itamar.What a sentence.. forever.After being married forever...I have learned forever isnt nearly as long as I had originally thought...lol...

spring has sprung

in my soul, its spring and things are blooming like nuts. there is so much yummy stuff happening in my life I just feel full.I am in love

roses,iris,bachelor's buttons,sweet williams,violets,honeysuckle,jasmine,clematis all blooming.Makes me crazy. bathing under huge blooming jasmine I feel drunk.

Married men.... and women

it is such a common joke that once married, men dont get laid..It is mentioned without anyone even being nervous or uncomfortable.Its old news.I wonder why this is acceptable to them or the women in these sexless marriages.Why it is the first thing to go south when trouble rears its ugly head, why people think their mates must be "loyal to them" instead of being loyal to themselves.There seems to be some gross reward system for not getting what you want/need so you can appear to be loyal,committed.I think you should be committed if you stay...but in a heath facility,not the marriage.
I like married men because they like fun sex.They love as everyone does, being adored,cooed over, lusted over.devoured.I love doing it.Its fun.I like it when its done back and I am not in anyway attached to it becoming a relationship.I dont ever again in this life time want to get "used to someone" or have anyone "used to me".That to me is worth yelling FIRE and running for your life... sex and all...
Meanwhile, I have having the time of my life.I am really happy with my land and how it is feeling,looking.The dogs are well.I am poor but clients are calling so I know it will be ok.I love where I am in my life, feel very grateful for this time alone and what I have learned.
Our hike to spencneville on Friday was incredible.Cata,Veronique,Rachael and I... climbed the highest mountain and had a picnic,laid in the sun naked with a 360 view...We were drunk in love.
Thank you so much for sticking with me body.I love you.

morning glories and STD's..

When I offered Lorraine some morning glory babies....she shuttered... I said she looked like I had offered her the clap... She said no, the clap... she could get rid of that with a shot in the ass... Morning glories were more like herpes....
I think to my self... if that was all she who planted these left behind.... I got off easy....

Friends

honeysuckle,jasmine,forsithia too
climbing rose,trumpet vine,
planted for you.
Hollyhock,sage,
iris galore
rosemary,thyme
alyssum and more.
my garden delights me in so many ways,.

Three feathers

I found at my feet three different feathers this week.
first a red shoulder hawks wind feather
second a blue heron wing feather
third a red tail hawk tail feather
different times and places.

I am so full I feel empty
so empty I feel full
moon shines on my ever softening face
and I have liliacs blooming inside me.

step back and have a look-celebrate with nice long tub in the evening light.

the fence is moved and up.The fruit trees are planted.The place is mowed.My back is without pain.Lance has been a tremendous help with heavy work.My side has been silent until yesterday and a bit today when I realized I was over tired.The trees are leafing out here now and the amount of beauty is overwhelming.I am awe struck.The calves are being born and I feel so blessed to see their new faces and the tenderness between them and their moms.This morning there were about ten of the newest laying together with one mom watching them all while other moms grazed.I am always impressed in the community of cows.I feel blessed to be here now.at this time.I had bad dream of Oberon falling from high place and dieing.woke up with him beside me snoring..But fretted all day anyway.I have the beginning of a orchard.Eight trees.YES.Good job girl I say. good job.

Picture Perfect Postcard

Sometimes I think my life is one big postcard with views that leave me inspired and awed by the beauty,the greatness, the pain of growth.
My life in CARDA is over and I am no longer a member.It feels like hundreds, thousands of pounds were lifted from my shoulders,my heart.I feel like I have my life back.I no longer must focus on the dead and possibly dieing.My focus of "what if " is over.It has taken me a long time of working through loosing Lilly and not finding her or bringing Rachael closure.However, the universe provides as I did find her daughter.Her older one she has never held,met or looked into her eyes.The one taken immediately at birth.But...One day before her 41 birthday..Connection!.Now Rachael has a daughter, and a grandson/granddaughter.Blessed be.I feel so full.
The beauty around me has leaked into my life and I am green in spring planting my fruit trees and cleaning my land.I walk in beauty everywhere.
I miss my moon and tonight I washed my face with a moon rag and could smell my blood and I sank my face in deep sniffing her.She and I were together four months short of forty one years.WOW... She was such a awesome friend and I am so very grateful for the things she brought me. I have missed three cycles today.I feel so deeply humbled.

I WANT TO TASTE IT.....

my body is so much better.I feel really grateful.VERY MUCH SO.However, there is fear in my body,mind.Fear of that kind of pain and so I find myself guarding... nervous to do anything that could even hint of hurting myself.I have never felt this way and so am just watching it and know it will pass.I love the stuff inside it all.Its warm and gooey and safe.very safe.Calm and wonderful colors that make me warm.wanna eat it, put it in my mouth to taste it.
My garden emerges from the darkness to the light.I love it.I am glad all over.Thank you self for the journey, for the courage to make the journey and for enough of a sense of humor to be able to laugh at my-self.I am that I am.nothing more,nothing less.a minute in time,a whisper in the bath tub,a wave in the water.a polly wog woman.yum

wow,whew and whatever

I think the notion, the dream,fantasy or what ever.. about unconditional love is a frigging lie and I think it is passed around to grow more lies.I was talking with Itamar about this recently.He said its a lie he encounters all the time in his practice.He said its a set up to not measure up... Its odd.I have never loved anyone, thing unconditionally.Nor has it ever happened to me.I love my kids... But if they murdered some kid...I would not love them.If I killed your child, I would not expect you to love me.It is so odd how we build these things, these ideas,notions to live,love by.
Some guy I was speaking to the other day said the problem with the world is that women don't expect enough from men.I thought that a interesting view.I didn't ponder it long though...
I am pondering the green grass growing like crazy in Spenceville.The trees bursting buds and the clouds against the blue sky...Makes me crazy in love.I have been falling in love all over the place.In the least expected places.... water whispers as it travels over the rocks and if you lean in close, you can hear it giggle.I like it.a lot.

shes gone away...

she left.
no goodbye,
no forwarding address
no nothing.
she is just gone.
everyday i look
many times over.
But there is no trace
just a few of her things left behind.
She was once very dependable
almost like clockwork
but better.
she would keep me grounded
just by showing up
and I have loved her
admired her,pained over her.
I cant understand how
she could go so freely.
I feel lonesome for her
and hope she changes her mind
comes back-
at least for a visit.
I feel so dizzy without her.
As if I just keep spinning around
with no focus point,
nothing to keep my eyes on
to hold my balance.
I want her back.period.

WHEW.

ferns open their branches slowly by unclurling.So it is with myself.rollypolies to.slowly stretching showing bellies,tender to the touch.

Wow and more is what I say.wow and whew and holytoemoley............................

I feel better.so much better that I could actually play with the dogs today.We have all gained weight this last seven weeks....

There is a hole in the bucket....

dear lady dear lady... I have to have surgery.Either tomorrow or Monday.I am very scared.I am attempting to be brave.The pain is increasing when it should of been going the other direction... damn road sign.I am sucking on my rescue remedy.Not wanting this and at the very same time....knowing I have to embrace it to heal faster and better.I scared.I want Paula here to rub my head and remind me of the mighty giant I am.I have done scarier things.I just cant remember them right now!
Be brave I say.I want the pain to go away.Tonight when I got in the tub I was in so much pain I had to get out... geese Louise...
My head is a bit worried but my soul feels good...my body... its in wretched pain.....
later: No surgery... Hopefully lump will stretch out....

RAIN!

Slept in and then woke, watched the light change and Razzle be a big goof ball. He is always so happy. what a wonderful example of how to live life.enthused about everything!
I went for walk. feels good but taking it really easy and staying close to house/phone.The sky has been magnificent with big burrly clouds.so delicious looking.Grass will grow now that there has been some rain.I am amazed how much things have changed in a month.. pretty soon trees will have leaves.Much less pain today and I think stretching is now in order as long as I listen AND obey my body..no ignoring her. She drives this ship.
Spring is waiting outside the doorway of winter.waiting to ruin the rainy day party.

grateful

its been a month since the accident and I am so grateful for my legs.The pain in my right hip is still awful and sitting is very difficult.But I can move.I am not paralyzed.I feel deeply grateful.all over.Still have months of work ahead but feel stronger and ready to be whole again and moving without pain knocking me to the ground.blessed be.