I WANT TO TASTE IT.....

my body is so much better.I feel really grateful.VERY MUCH SO.However, there is fear in my body,mind.Fear of that kind of pain and so I find myself guarding... nervous to do anything that could even hint of hurting myself.I have never felt this way and so am just watching it and know it will pass.I love the stuff inside it all.Its warm and gooey and safe.very safe.Calm and wonderful colors that make me warm.wanna eat it, put it in my mouth to taste it.
My garden emerges from the darkness to the light.I love it.I am glad all over.Thank you self for the journey, for the courage to make the journey and for enough of a sense of humor to be able to laugh at my-self.I am that I am.nothing more,nothing less.a minute in time,a whisper in the bath tub,a wave in the water.a polly wog woman.yum

wow,whew and whatever

I think the notion, the dream,fantasy or what ever.. about unconditional love is a frigging lie and I think it is passed around to grow more lies.I was talking with Itamar about this recently.He said its a lie he encounters all the time in his practice.He said its a set up to not measure up... Its odd.I have never loved anyone, thing unconditionally.Nor has it ever happened to me.I love my kids... But if they murdered some kid...I would not love them.If I killed your child, I would not expect you to love me.It is so odd how we build these things, these ideas,notions to live,love by.
Some guy I was speaking to the other day said the problem with the world is that women don't expect enough from men.I thought that a interesting view.I didn't ponder it long though...
I am pondering the green grass growing like crazy in Spenceville.The trees bursting buds and the clouds against the blue sky...Makes me crazy in love.I have been falling in love all over the place.In the least expected places.... water whispers as it travels over the rocks and if you lean in close, you can hear it giggle.I like it.a lot.

shes gone away...

she left.
no goodbye,
no forwarding address
no nothing.
she is just gone.
everyday i look
many times over.
But there is no trace
just a few of her things left behind.
She was once very dependable
almost like clockwork
but better.
she would keep me grounded
just by showing up
and I have loved her
admired her,pained over her.
I cant understand how
she could go so freely.
I feel lonesome for her
and hope she changes her mind
comes back-
at least for a visit.
I feel so dizzy without her.
As if I just keep spinning around
with no focus point,
nothing to keep my eyes on
to hold my balance.
I want her back.period.

WHEW.

ferns open their branches slowly by unclurling.So it is with myself.rollypolies to.slowly stretching showing bellies,tender to the touch.

Wow and more is what I say.wow and whew and holytoemoley............................

I feel better.so much better that I could actually play with the dogs today.We have all gained weight this last seven weeks....

There is a hole in the bucket....

dear lady dear lady... I have to have surgery.Either tomorrow or Monday.I am very scared.I am attempting to be brave.The pain is increasing when it should of been going the other direction... damn road sign.I am sucking on my rescue remedy.Not wanting this and at the very same time....knowing I have to embrace it to heal faster and better.I scared.I want Paula here to rub my head and remind me of the mighty giant I am.I have done scarier things.I just cant remember them right now!
Be brave I say.I want the pain to go away.Tonight when I got in the tub I was in so much pain I had to get out... geese Louise...
My head is a bit worried but my soul feels good...my body... its in wretched pain.....
later: No surgery... Hopefully lump will stretch out....

RAIN!

Slept in and then woke, watched the light change and Razzle be a big goof ball. He is always so happy. what a wonderful example of how to live life.enthused about everything!
I went for walk. feels good but taking it really easy and staying close to house/phone.The sky has been magnificent with big burrly clouds.so delicious looking.Grass will grow now that there has been some rain.I am amazed how much things have changed in a month.. pretty soon trees will have leaves.Much less pain today and I think stretching is now in order as long as I listen AND obey my body..no ignoring her. She drives this ship.
Spring is waiting outside the doorway of winter.waiting to ruin the rainy day party.

grateful

its been a month since the accident and I am so grateful for my legs.The pain in my right hip is still awful and sitting is very difficult.But I can move.I am not paralyzed.I feel deeply grateful.all over.Still have months of work ahead but feel stronger and ready to be whole again and moving without pain knocking me to the ground.blessed be.