ouch

growing pains when talking to colin......

oceans of tears cried

Since I have checked in I have been to Texas to be with Sara and grandchildren.I had so much fun with the kids and they were sad to see me go.The night before I left, I wrote small notes on about twenty pieces of paper and hid them everywhere in the house.Some to a certain person,others just saying,I love you.The kids started finding them immediately and tonight when I was on the phone with Sara,she moved the bear on her table and there it was... I love you.I wrote on their eggs.. on the bananas.I put a note in the sugar jar, in the drawer where the tooth paste goes... silly places.I am silly.
They took Sara's breast.All double DD.I can not, do not have the words to express my feelings.It will work to say my daughter is more brave then I could of ever be.When I got there she was already home and in bed,I held her and slept beside her for five days while her husband slept in the guest room.We talked at night,or I rubbed her head.We cried.We cry still.I have not said this to her but I am scared to death,scared to a place I have never known, scared like scared raw.That the results from pathology test... could be bad.The lymph node...See them clear I say.See them clear.It keeps the panic at bay,washes the panic out of my mouth.See them clear.She has suffered so much in her life with this body(see them clear) I gave her... Fuck.See them clear.

Diary of a crazy woman who found her sanity

it feels like that anyway.As life's tragedy's hit me, I feel calmer and calmer.(my ee isnt working right..).I have either become numb or I am just surfing real well.I cant talk about Oberon yet except to say that he was such a good friend, the loss is huge and all effecting.
I have been learning things about my self at a excellerated rate...wow.Figuring out why I called Colin in- What we did together and what I needed to learn.Learning that looking backwards is good for seeing how far one has come but not for much else.I am so grateful for this time alone.I long for a lover more now and ... then I dont.I never had safe time alone as a young girl or woman so this time of loving /living with myself for 8 plus years has been so so gooood for me.I could say I would of been a much better mom,wife,person had I of done this first instead of having children so early but that is silly since that time it has come and gone.
I look at Peter in my heart and am sorry I didnt know how to handle it better.He like Kevon holds a very special place in my heart.I think he was a real lover in terms of it was just us... no kids, no parents- adults loving, lots of great sex.
Enjoying my land and Razzle.My girl Leda is blind- competely in her right eye since birth... holy hell... I have had her for a year and a half and I never realized.It was a fluke we found it.Noone who knows her can believe it.She shows nothing... amazing.Razzle has moved into Oberons place in the house.He is a little guy. 34 lbs compared to Oberons 83... He is a frigging kook and wakes up grateful to be alive .I am lucky to have him.
My garden, like my heart is blooming,giving birth to new possibilities.

ten days

its been ten days and I still cant talk.I stick my face in his blanklet.I cant wash it yet.arg it hurts so damn deep.i mean way down,way down deep.

learning about my self

"mistake" is what I called a experience I didnt like............. but its all good even in its horridness.Its all a weird trip and nothing is really real.its all in our heads.Except what we make solid-give breath to-create for the drama of our own lives.

eco systems

its a whole eco system of emotions
there are different colors,species of grief
the terrain of the joy can turn
to empty lonesome deserts
in the time it takes for the winds of
panic to give way to calm.
Midnight calming sessions
become regular learning time.
I am looking for the gift I know
comes along with all this grief.
Oberon is almost done but i feel panic
inside and what ifs and second guessing myself
over and over and the place i had
so clearly marked out has come and gone.
I am not nearly as brave as I had previously thought
or.. its just a line i say for who knows why.................................