Grief in Haiti

I feel the grief..
from across the land and over the water,My body feels the grief, the fear, the need for basic life support.. I ache inside.I cant be there as a rescuer but I feel their grief, their courage as they deploy their teams in efforts to save lives.
As I watch the images, I am overwhelmed...simply overwhelmed.I cant quit crying.The children...
I had wanted to get a new floor for the living room and my bedroom this year, But I will take my meger savings and send it to the redcross.While we are having ahard time here, its nothing compared to what those people are experencing..... nothing.I can have a rug for another year....

My friend Jim

He passed into a different place yesterday early morning after being removed from life support.I had sat with him last week, he was barely there but I saw him know I was there as I washed his face, soaked the washcloth in red clover tea to wet his mouth that has been held open by his breathing tube and was dry. He looked me in the eyes as I offered it to him and sucked, nodded his head yes,yes,thank you.Then his eyes would get big,almost fixed and he would stare,a bit startled.I asked him if he could see them, the angles there for him and he looked at me and again,nodded. I washed his face,his neck again, more wet clover.I told him his daughter would be ok and he had panic momentarily.I sang to him and for him.I took my feathers in and some sage that had been slightly burned in for him to smell.As I held it up to his face, he closed his eyes and I could see him taking it in.
Tonight I feel really sad.Sad for him,sad for me and for all of the good times that will never be repeated......Rest easy Jim.We will be along soon.I love you.

The passing of another friend.

Jim died this morning and I feel sad.Really sad.Two and a half weeks ago we had gone out to look at this tractor I wanted to buy, then we went off with Michael to South Pine for lunch.We talked about the future gardens,how cute the little blue tractor was,and how perfect that it was a Ford which Jim had worked on for thirty years.
I realized that if all my friends were to die according to age, none of them will be here to help me die....But I would witness all of their passings.This made me depressed.
My belly is really painful and these antibiotics are wrecking me. kicking my ass.leaving me exhausted .. or the salmonella is... eitherway, I am tired and the dogs dont care.Leda wants to be worked,played with.. and I am just so tired.Slept 9 hours last night. WOW... tonight I wish there was two of me... One to do the chores,dogs and one to sleep and let this medicine do its work and my body heal... I am SO TIRED,WEAK... SKINNY...Yawnnnnnnnn

anti bi otics

These babies are kicking my ass. I feel whipped after taking one.Took the second one after my morning carrot juice and a steamed yam... yum.. woke up dizzy.How does one wake up dizzy? I felt like I was in a big swirl.Had dreamed I found two coyotes on the side of Oak Tree rd and I stopped to check on them, the female was whitish,pregnant and hurt it seemed...The male came and jumped on me when I was rubbing her belly.He started chin chewing on me, not really biting but showing the same kind of submissive behavior a pup would to a older adult.He was grey and silver.People had stropped when they saw me with them and I just remember yelling that he isnt biting me, he isnt biting me... I think they were freaked out when he jumped on my back and rolled me over, it wasnt like a alpha roll, it was a play and I just ended on my back with him on my chest.I never felt threatened. Woke up at 3:30, crawled to the refrig to take probiotics, then back to bed. went to sleep to sound of coyotes then had the dream.
My family, here with me. I feel comfort from them.

Salmanella

I have it... its better then cancer. I have been so happy since the dr called!!!!!

saying goodbye to 51

today is the last day of me being 51 and I must say, even with my serious life long back injury,I am happier/calmer/more peaceful then ever in my life.
This last week I have been poked and probed and the some of the test results will be back this next week.I will deal with what ever is happening and look forward to being 52.I think Oberon and I came close to dying on Friday night and am just greatful for Razzle and his insistance in waking me up and his continuing to bark,jump on me until I actually got up.I think I pushed him away for a long while and he kept coming back... What a guy.Oberon had already peed in his bed and was pretty hard to get up.
Here is to the wizzard in us all.
On another note,today I got to give John,my trainer a wonderful gift- I had a friend paint his favorite dog's picture (recently deceased)on a big rock(47 lbs) and its just beautiful.His face softened and he put his arms around me and said it was one of his nicest presents he had ever gotten..It was my give away for my birthday.Last night I also made really yummy chicken pot pies and took them for the clubs lunch.Everyone loved them.They had- onions,garlic,celery,carrots,broc.corn,mushrooms,cream cheese and cashews in them. delicious.
blessed be.I am rich- and disposable.Its ok. with me anyhow!

Good friging grief..

Tonight I am in so much pain I should go to the ER room...But am so scared of that place.I am finding it really hard to eat at all.Nothing seems to make it better. I am offically freaked out.I am just going to be freaked out and be with that and try not to actually DO anything.Just be.but damn, I hurt bad.Took a two and a half hour nap.NEVER in my life have I done that.The pain had now moved from the center to the right side and I am just plain fucking sick. I made Debbie promise not to leave me at the hospital.I am terrified of that place.terrified . I went to bed last night in so much pain and so scared that I said to myself I have never been that scared. eegads. I ask for courage and a higher pain threashold.